I can't believe you don't shut up

Obviously, one of the biggest annoyances that comes with being a woman in a sexist society is that people are forever judging whether your behaviour is ladylike enough. However, my real pet peeve is when this thoroughly irritating behaviour tries to pass itself off as journalism and not only attempts to make sure you are a paragon of femininity, but also tries to turn you into a raging fucking idiot. This list of 10 Things Every Single Girl Should Own, written by Amy Spencer, serial knobhead and writer for Maxim and Glamour,  is a prime example. Let’s take a closer look, shall we? The original text from the article is in appropriately womanly pink.

1. A fabulous photo of yourself

See, that’s what I want guys who I’m after thinking when they see a photo of me; I don’t think that much of what I’m seeing here and now in real life, but in this picture you are actually a lot hotter than I thought! Let me ask you, Amy, if a totally hawt picture of me on my fridge (at eye

level of course, since you know those poor men have neck flexibility issues and nobody at the house of someone they fancy ever has a wee look about to get an idea of them) is going to help me snare that man, then what’s going to happen if I have Halloween photos on my fridge and I was dressed up as, say, a convincing Mrs. Twit?  Is he gonnae ditch me right there for being a batshit bird gluing fictional character? SCIENCE!

2. A pretty pair of heels

Admit it. You feel like Maria from West Side Story (You feel pretty, oh so pretty…) when you slip on a pair of nice heels. The good news is that these days, you can transform virtually any outfit to make it on-the-town ready by adding heels to a skirt, jeans, cropped khakis, whatever. And no, they don’t have to be towering stilettos, even a pair of 1-inch kitten heels will make you stride a little more confidently. (Added bonus: the taller you are, the more cute men you’ll be able to see around the room.)

Wait wait wait. I thought this was meant to be a guide to getting and keeping a boyfriend? So why would I want to feel like fucking Maria from West Side Story? My boyfriend might get knifed to death, but at least my leg muscles are so tight they could snap! The last time I wore high heels was more than two years ago at a leaving do. They were really pretty and were the only thing I could find at short notice that matched my dress. The only problem was that I couldn’t walk in them. I spent the night propped up against the bar, moving no more than two steps at a time and feeling like I was going to fall off them. Going for a piss was an epic journey. Wear high heels if you want to, I wont stop you and wont have a go; all I want is this insipid ‘journalist’ to drop the semi-scary interrogation tone (ADMIT YOU LOVE HIGH HEELS, WOMAN!) and painting it as though I will never get anywhere with men if I don’t want to wear them. Fact is, any guy who wouldn’t fancy me because I don’t wear high heels is a total dick that I am happy to avoid. As far as I can see, it makes for a good shield against a subset of idiots I never even knew existed.

3. An Eminem CD

What’s one of the first places a guy peruses when he walks into a woman’s home? Her music collection. Good for you if you have an extensive one. But if all he sees is a stack of girl bands (say, Girls Aloud, the Spice Girls, the All Saints, Nora Jones and the Bridget Jones Diary soundtrack), he’s going to panic. Balance out your collection with one CD, any CD, by Eminem and you have no idea how relieved he’ll be. It shows you have an open mind and aren’t easily offended—and that’s music to any man’s ears.

4. A great pick up line…and a way to blow ‘em off

In this post-chivalrous period, we can’t always depend on guys to initiate contact, so prepare thyself with one simple, non-cheesy icebreaker to lay on that cutie who’s making his way to your area of the bar. Our favourite: “Hi. Having fun?” (Though a friend of mine has recently taken to asking well-dressed men, “Hetero, homo or metro?”) And in cases when a guy initiates contact and you’re not interested, better have a better blow-off than “Ummmm, no…” Our suggestion: “Sorry, I don’t think the guy I’m seeing would appreciate it.” Sure, it’s a lie, but it’ll let him down easy—without destroying his ego or making him think you’re a jerk.

I’m not sure I’d name her super effective “pick-up line” as such; more like normal human conversation. Also, her pal is a fucking idiot and there’s not much more that needs to be said. Where she learned that it was appropriate to ask a complete stranger their sexual orientation (before you’ve said hello!) I’ll never know. If I was a guy and a woman came up to me givin it “Hetero, homo or metro?” I’d be telling her that I was Anyone But You-sexual. As my boyfriend said upon reading this article “Apparently, putting moisturiser on counts as a sexuality but being bi doesn’t.”

5. A six pack of good bottled beer

A prepared single girl is ready to host and toast at any time. If you want to make a guy-guest feel at home and your girlfriends feel special, skip the mass-produced swill and try some of the more exotically-named tipples.

6. Bathroom Reading

What man doesn’t appreciate finding interesting reading in his sweetie’s bathroom? So instead of tossing out your magazines when you’re done reading them, toss them into a basket by the toilet. No need to go overboard with a stack of Sports Illustrated (if you don’t follow sports, that would just be weird) but consider The Week or even Cosmopolitan (hey, this may be the only time he’s a captive audience and can learn a few things). Or, just buy a book that’s made for the bathroom, like Schott’s Original Miscellany by Ben Schott so he can learn a few things about shoelace lengths and sign language while he passes the, uh, time.

7. A business card

After the age of 18, it’s no longer cute to scrawl your first name and phone number on a napkin and hand it to a man who wants to call you. So if your job doesn’t provide a card or you’d prefer one with your personal email address and phone number on it, then have some made up. A napkin he can lose. A card he’ll file and keep.

8. Earplugs

Ah, there’s nothing sweeter than a man who wants to cuddle up with you in bed for a long night’s sleep. Unless—SNZZGGHGHRRJJZZZ!—he snores so loudly you can’t get any sleep. Prepare thyself for surprise snorers with a pair of earplugs stashed in your nightstand.

Congratulations Amy. Two pieces of inanimate foam are the least offensive thing in your whole article.

9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial

Every girl knows she needs a gay male friend she can go to for fashion advice (a personal Queer Eye for Your Closet). But when it comes to relationship advice, you need another source. While your female friends may have good intentions, if you really want to know if you should call that guy, save the guesswork and go to someone who’s been there, done that.

10. A condom

Hey ladies, you know the drill by now. If you want to be able to have spontaneous fun of the bodily kind, you have to prepare for it yourself. You can’t always count on him to have something in his back pocket—or a 24-hour garage on the route home. (Your new mantra: If you don’t want it to break, you buy it.)

I’d like to give you a pass for ending your article with sensible advice, Amy, I really would (well no I wouldn’t but stay with me here) but it just can’t make up for all the total pish you’ve spewed above. Plus, you stick with your fake, overly pally and condescending tone right the way to end, and deploy the absolutely appalling turn of phrase “spontaneous fun of the bodily kind”.

So, Amy Spencer, for making me want to vomit more than I could ever eat, I welcome you to Knobhead’s Corner! TA-DA!

Starbuck will present you with your prize!