David Cameron’s wife keeps some of her campaign reading material handy – some great stuff about imposing immigration caps in there.

The final leader’s debate is TONIGHT and we will once more be bringing you all the best bits LIVE.

Tonight’s debate is meant to be about economic affairs. It will probably just be deja vu all over again as we see the three stooges squabble amongst themselves over who can be the most right-wing and racist about immigration, whilst Nick and Dave try to simultaneously give Gordon a ticking off for being mean to an old lady (who is in reality only as bigoted as all three of them want her to be).

To the extent that it is about the economy, we all know how close their agenda is. Who can make the most turkeys vote for Christmas? Who can give you a box of shit in the nicest wrapping paper? Who can be the politest and smarmiest about the fact they’re planning to puke in your bed later on?

To understand what’s really going to happen with the economy after the election, just ask Simon Hayes of Barclays Capital, as mentioned here, who says that he’s not worried cos he knows whoever gets elected, he’ll get what he wants.

The only consolation is that Mervyn King, governor of the Bank of England, says that whoever wins will be out of power for a generation because the cuts they’ll have to make will be so bad. And it’s not a very good consolation, a bit like someone stealing your Big Mac and having a heart attack.

But let’s not think too much about all the pish the next government is going to pull (and all the demos and strikes we’ll have to have to try and stop them), and just sit back and watch who can lie most effectively about what an utter fuckwit they are. As ever, we’ve got an incisive team of political analysts on hand, consisting of me, Jack, and Neldo (who demanded we say “Analysts? Or Anal-ists?”, so be prepared for high quality anal-ysis.)

It’s the final countdown. . .

20.32: David Cameron: There’s no point in borrowing from China, cos I want to nuke it anyway.

20.35: Nick Clegg says the top 20% of people receiving tax credits shouldn’t be getting them, but the top 20% of earners are fine. Thanks Nick! Shows who you’re looking out for.

20.37: Dave Cameron says his ideas are not popular but they’re the right thing to do – freeze public sector wages, make everyone work a year longer before retirement. Blah blah. How come working people have to pay whilst all your rich pals are just lining their pockets?

20.40: Gordo says public sector pensions are being “reformed”?! Yeah, being reformed into a big fat zero!

20.40: They’re all calling cuts “savings” as if we’re going to get it back one day. Fuck’s sake.

20.41: David Cameron has mentioned Marks & Spencers in every Leaders’ Debate so far… what’s going on with that? Maybe he likes their lasagne.

20.42: Gordon Brown’s grin makes him look like a chimpanzee. Or maybe Lee Evans’ grandad.

20.43: They keep talking about the economy as if it’s a kid, that needs to be “supported” so it can “get moving and growing”. It’s not a kid, it’s a bunch of old rich banker bastards taking our money.

20:45: Cleggmania says let’s get everyone together in a capitalist unified dictatorship “Council on Financial Stability” which sounds pretty sinister.

20:46: Gordon forgot to mention that he also abolished the lowest rate of tax, therefore fucking over the poorest people.

20:47: Dave sees waste all around him. Like having his chaffeur follow him on a bike to carry his Muller Light.

20:48: Gordon keeps shaking his head, as if to say “Incorrect, you bigotted cunt.”

20:50: David says that owning your own home then passing it on to your kids is the most natural human instinct of all. No it’s not, shitting, pissing and eating are. And that’s what we’re doing to his fiscal policies. HA.

20:52: Bugger tax credits, can we just have decent pay please? Oh yeah, I forgot you promising to cut it, representative of “Labour”.

20:54: Clegg: Well these two are cunts, but I’m cool.

20:55: Nick Clegg: It’s sooo unfair. I’m going to my room. I hate you!

20:56: Clegg says there’s political point scoring. In a telly debate where they try and persuade us to vote for them? Surely not?

20:57 Cameron: “Hmm, we need to regulate the banks, who we gonna get to do it? Fuck it, the banks can just do it themselves.”

20:59 Brown says he’s never been as angry as when he spoke to the director of a bank. Apart from when he spoke to that old woman the other day.

21:01 Nick Clegg: “The main parties are too close to the city. That’s why we’re based inside a secret cave on the moon.”

21:03 Gordon Brown knows it isn’t the size of the banks that count, its how you use them.

21:04 David Cameron: “If we were in the Euro, your taxes and national insurance wouldn’t be going on schools and hospitals.” They’d be going on écoles et hôpitals.

21:05 Equipment for the future is one of Gordon Brown’s priorities for industry. Going by Back to the Future 2, we should all have hoverboards by 2015.

21:11 To all the candidates: I don’t want a loan from a bank, I want to own a bank…seeing as I’ve paid for it.

21:14 Gordon Brown shows off his technical lingo with his desire to see 100% super fast broadband over the whole country. Just make sure you don’t use it to download music or you’ll get 0% internet.

21:16 David Cameron shows off the Tories’ new clone technology: “We’ve had 9 different energy ministers, two of them were the same person.”

21:19 They all seem to have statistics on the level of immigration but no information on why they are so opposed to it. So lots of people come to Britain but no-one seems to have any statistics to say this is a bad thing.

21:20 Gordon Brown wants to protect people in jobs by giving them Tax Credits. Doesn’t help if you’re only on 11 grand a year anyway.

21:25 The only reason I can think of why people would come here illegally is because they’re lawless rulebreakers. No-one comes here because they’re in desperate poverty at home, can’t afford the hundreds of pounds for a visa, don’t meet the strict rules regarding skills you need, have health problems or can’t afford legitimate transport to the UK. Don’t forget, anyone who can’t afford to be here legally deserves to starve at home!

21:31 David Cameron wants to build more houses. Guess he doesn’t mean the hundreds of empty luxury flats found in all the major cities in Britain. We have thousands of empty flats and thousands of homeless people. Hmmm….nope….can’t think of any solution to the problem.

21.36: My interest rate in what he’s saying is rapidly shrinking.

21.37: Nick Clegg believes in work. I don’t. I think it’s a myth.

21.38: Gordon wants to force people on the dole to work for tuppence for six months before going back on the dole. Great plan!

21:45: Woah woah woah, cutting benefit for UP TO 3 YEARS?! That’s well longer than the amount of time it takes to starve to death!

21:46: Clegg: I have a plan, I will save you, come and suckle Daddy’s tax tits.

21:48: Gordon Brown is interested in social mobility, cos for the love of god you wouldn’t want to be working class. Mind you, I’d like to see David Cameron move downwards.

21:51: GONNA SHUT UP ABOUT TAX CREDITS?!

21:52: David Cameron had an argument on the pavement about special education, and whether he should be in it.

21:55: Dave says teachers are getting 4000 pages of information a year. Teachers? Reading stuff? Wtf?

21:57: He also thinks what matters most is how we look after the poorest and most vulnerable. That’s why he’s going to shit all over them with his big tax arse.

21:59: Nick says we should choose the future we want in the election next year. I want a future full of aliens, space colonisation and mad future drugs, but I don’t think anyone is standing on that platform. (Jack wrote that bit.)

22:00: Sounded a whole lot like GB just said “Conservative tax cuts would go to the richest cunts in the country.” Let’s just say that he did. He ended with his freaky idiot grin.

So, that’s that. Yet again, they’ve shown us that whichever of the big 3 parties you go with you’ll get shafted*. No matter how much they want to sugar coat their policies, they’re all going to be taking care of the rich and no-one else.

That’s why everyone should join the SSP lol!!!!!!1

*Literally. By Gordon Brown’s tax cock. It’s not how big it is, it’s the way it’s run that counts.

Philip Lardner seems to think he's an MP already. He's not.

A wannabe Conservative MP for North Ayrshire and Arran, Philip Lardner, was today suspended from his party for expressing extreme right-wing views for the SECOND time in less than two years.

Lardner, a primary school teacher in Erskine, Renfrewshire, was thrown out of his party today by embarrassed Tory party chiefs after homophobic comments published on his website came to light this morning. The offending comments have since been removed, but Pink News reports that Lardner wrote that he believed homosexuality to be ’somewhere between unfortunate and simply wrong’, and in a lengthy diatribe, argued in favour off the reinstating of Section 28, a law which banned teachers from ‘promoting’ homosexuality in schools. Lardner wrote: ‘I will not accept that their behaviour is ‘normal’ or encourage children to indulge in it… Toleration and understanding is one thing, but state-promotion of homosexuality is quite another.’

Ironically, this makes North Ayrshire and Arran perhaps most of the one most polarised constituencies in Britain, without even stepping outside of Labour and the Tories – the incumbent MP is Katy Clark, one of the very few genuine socialists left within the Labour Party, who is defending a majority of 11,000 at this election.

Lardner, on the other hand, typifies the Empire Loyalist/Monday Club right fringes of the Tory party – his extreme views extend well beyond his er, ‘traditional’ views of the family.  Lardner denies the existence of climate change, which he claims is a myth perpetrated by brainwashing ‘carbon-loonies’ out to ’spoil enjoyment of nice, warm weather’.

His initial suspension from the Conservative Party came in July 2008, after he expressed admiration for white-supremacist  politician Iain Smith, who presided over white minority rule in Rhodesia, now Zimbabwe. He also stated that Enoch Powell’s infamous ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech, which said that mass immigration to Britain would lead to bloodshed, had ‘in a small way come true’. In 2005, Lardner expressed his support for British colonialism and imperialism, writing: ‘Take a look at Zimbabwe or a dozen other human-induced African disasters and ask yourself whether the average African would rather be living (or more often than not dying) at the hands of his “free” African brothers, or have a Royal Navy warship sitting benevolently in the harbour?’

LGBT rights' protesters picketing Tory HQ

Lardner contested the 2007 Scottish Parliament elections in the same constituency. At a hustings meeting on the Isle of Arran, Lardner hysterically shouted down group of stunned 16 year olds, who had objected to his stance on trident nuclear weapons, and screamed that they needed to show ‘greater respect for the armed forces, and spend more time looking at war memorials’. Lardner has also gone to great lengths to promote himself in the local press as a defender of the ‘indigenous population’ on Arran, and against foreign invaders. Of red squirrels, that is – but could there be subtle undertones in this rhetoric of his now well reported racist, anti-immigration views? SSY speculates… almost certainly.

Following his original suspension, Lardner was approached by the BNP, who urged him to join the party that is ‘his natural home and one that would fully support these statements instead of condemning and then sacking him’. SSY can also reveal that Lardner has stuck up for the rights of BNP members to work as police and prison officers – occupations which have a ban on BNP membership – arguing that ‘loyalty to your nation’ should not be used a pretext to make you a ‘banned person’.

SSY can only speculate what may come next, but we’re fairly sure that a future in politics may still be a possibility for Lardner. He intends to stand as an independent ‘common sense’ candidate (lol!) next week, but when he (somehow) fails to get elected, and if the BNP still seem a bit too extreme, I’m fairly sure he’ll be able to find a nice home in UKIP: climate denying, immigrant-hating, europhobic, racist, empire-loving… UKIP and Lardner were MADE for each other!

"So, have you seen this, have you noticed this, apparently the leader of the Lib Dems has the same name as a horsefly! What's up with that?"

This blog is all in favour of copying. We’ve stood up for the rights of internet filesharers, and we frequently steal pictures off google image search ourselves.

But sometimes copying goes too far. Today’s Sun exclusively revealed that the leader of the Scottish Tories, Annabel Goldie, is a no good dirty joke thief.

Goldie compared Nick Clegg, leader of the Lib Dems and (as we all know since last week’s leader’s debate) the beautiful and wise saviour of all mankind, with a Cleg, aka a horsefly.

Ho ho, isn’t she witty! Well, considering we beat her to the joke by several days, no, she’s a long way behind Scotland’s main source of satire, Leftfield.

Clearly the Tories know the threat they face from SSY’s blog. In a few short months our ultimate combination of silly jokes with silly pictures made on MS Paint has propelled us to the brink of power. With James Nesbitt poised for a landslide victory in Glasgow Central, and Donald Trump running scared of Ewan Robertson’s provisional government of Aberdeen, the Tories are clearly worried. Terrified that we are about to put all Tories on trial in a revolutionary tribunal on account of them being bastards, they have resorted to stealing our jokes.

In the short term, before we can properly deal with Annabel, we are fully prepared to take her to the highest court of comedy for the lawsuit of the century. It will be a titanic legal battle, but we are confident that a working class jury will recognise our blog as funnier than the most anti-socialist, anti-trade union Tory leader in Scotland. We’ll see you in court Annabel. We’re hiring this guy to represent us:

Are you watching the Scottish Leaders’ Election debate tonight?

We thought not. But SSY plans to repeat our feat of last week by bringing you LIVEBLOGGING action of ‘Scotland Debates,’ and in the process doubling STV’s viewing figures!

Why are we so sure that there’ll be so few watching? Well let’s start the fact that all those taking part are absolute fucking mystery men.

Don’t get us wrong, the people who write this blog are nerdy about politics. But we literally have not heard of most of the people representing the “major” parties on STV tonight. You’d think that if you were pitching for people’s vote you would put up a face they know, like Alex Salmond. But no, all the Scottish party leaders are MSPs, and are not standing in this Westminster election. Quite why they still aren’t allowed to come and represent their parties policies is beyond us.

What this farce does illustrate though is the growing political gap between Scotland and the rest of the UK. Last week we watched Brown, Cameron and Clegg say they’d do a bunch of stuff they have no power to do in Scotland. We look forward to seeing wtf all these Westminster MPs are going to debate tonight, given they only have power over things like foreign affairs, broadcasting or drugs (as if they’d have a debate about that.) All the big domestic issues, like health and education, are run by the Scottish Parliament, so the government that’ll be elected in May has no power over them here.

So who the fuck are these nonentities. As we wait with feverish excitement (not) for the debate to begin, we bring you a quick profile of the participants.

-Jim Murphy, the Secretary for State for Scotland in Her Majesty’s Government. Otherwise known as a completely pointless job since the Scottish Parliament was invented. In fact what Jim Murphy does is act as the member of the government responsible for campaigning for Labour in Scotland. He takes this job so seriously he often confuses the city of Glasgow with the Labour Party, something Leftfield has commented on before. He’s a former student bureaucrat for the NUS, and a former chair of Labour Friends of Israel.

-Angus Robertson, the leader of the SNP at Westminster. OK, we’re on shakier territory here, I know pretty much nothing about him though. Some swift googling however reveals that in the expenses scandal he claimed £1, 119 for a TV, £400 for a Home Cinema System, £500 for a bed and £2,324 for a sofa bed. So we’re guessing he likes to relax with a movie. At your expense.

-David Mundell, the ONLY Scottish Tory MP, and therefore the Shadow Scottish Secretary, by virtue of having literally no competition. Apparently a couple of years ago he wrote a memo which got leaked to the Record denouncing the leadership of the Scottish Tories, saying there was “a simple lack of thinkers” and that they were incapable of coming up with new policies. We wonder what leader of the Scottish Tories Annabel Goldie will be thinking as she watches him on the “leaders” debate.

-Alistair Carmichael, who is allegedly a Lib Dem MP for Orkney and Shetland. Why we are seeing this man is a total mystery to us. Apparently he was once part of a successful campaign to ban a book which slagged off islanders. Maybe he burned the author in a Wicker man, we don’t know, we’re speculating at this point.

So, are you thrilled and exciting yet?!?! Below are pictures of the mystery men. If you know which one is which you officially need to get a life.

21.03-”All these questions will be directly relevant to Scotland.” Unfortunately, they will be answered by completely irrelevant people.

21.06-Murphy “A perfect storm has scunnered Scotland.” The man from the government said that twice.

21.07-Angus Robertson is going on about expenses. See above about his really expensive telly.

21.08-The mystery Lib Dem man has been a mystery Lib Dem man since he was 14 and has never been this excited! Clegg-mania!

21.09-The Tory looks like a creepy, surprised owl. He’s keen to stress it’s a British election, otherwise he’d be completely irrelevant.

21.12-Nasal Murphy wants to cut the cost of dole scum! “We’re committed to raising the national minimum wage”, an impressive promise of something that happens every year anyway.

21.13-David Mundell has waste in his system that needs to come out now. He should eat more fibre.

21.19-David Mundell sez that no other party on the planet apart from the SNP pretends there doesn’t need to be cuts. Erm, actually the SSP does! And we’ve actually got a way we could do it! Take the money off ur banker pals!

21.21-Shouty man is shouting at “the guy in the red tie”. Even the audience don’t know who these fuckers are. He wants the old jobs back, not new ones. Murphy is not however promising to employ him as a town crier or jester tho.

21.25-Lib Dem man says we forget 9/11 too easily. 9 a what now? “It would be foolish to set a timetable for withdrawing our troops from Afghanistan.” Yeah, cos there’s no real timescale to an unwinnable war really is there?

21.27-Murphy says that we either fight the Taliban in Afghanistan or we fight them here. Meanwhile, Afghan warlords are massing for an assault on the Piping Centre, because of all the anti-war traitors that didn’t want to fight them over there.

21.29-Is Angus Robertson chewing a sweet?

21.30-Jim Murphy has a war planning diary, but he will NEVER write retreat in it. Nor will he ever ring the Taliban to say he’s leaving. Presumably he wouldn’t need to cos as soon as our troops left Afghanistan the Taliban would take power in Scotland, like wot he said.

21.33-Mundell “If you have an independent review, you should stick by what it says”, especially if it means I get to keep my lovely lovely expenses cash.

21.34-Could a devious individual invent a new species of flipping? What will flipper the dolphin say about this new species and the MP scientist responsible?

21.38-Woman in the audience-”I understand what expenses are for, but the system is a joke. It needs to get sorted out. WOW, insightful.

21.39-Mundell is like a fat version of Ben from Lost. He answers questions in the same evasive way, with an undertone of menace. Or there would be menace if he wasn’t so unscary (personally, not politically.)

21.42-In a poll, what’s the difference between being undecided and not having an opinion. Were some people militant about not having an opinion, and didn’t dare want to be lumped with the people who haven’t decided if they have an opinion yet?

21.44-Murphy: “There’s too much squabbling in politics.” Maybe we should have some kind of bizarre electoral system where no matter what happens Labour will always get elected to most of the seats in Scotland, but it doesn’t really matter because all the main parties agree we need cuts and to give big business whatever they want. Oh, wait. . .

21.48-Lib Dem man gets excited: “HOW DARE YOU DENY PEOPLE THEIR RIGHT TO LOVELY CLEGG! THERE’S A THIRD CHOICE AND IT’S AWESOME!”

21.49-Insightful woman with the earrings strikes again. “If everyone just worked together we could have a brilliant Britain.” People like you elected Hitler, lol.

21.52-Did you notice how Angus Robertson had a funny tone when he said “Northern. . .Irish representation” to allude he’s going to be pally with the crazy DUP?

21.53-While they drone on, news reaches us by text. Apparently Murphy used to be kind of involved with the RCP, and thought the militant tendency were not left wing enough. We hear he was a hardline vegetarian with pro-Palestine views. . . Then he became a right wing hack chair of Friends of Israel. What a twat.

Is that it? God, nothing makes you feel like you live in a diddy country than some pish like that nonsense, or watching the televisual tranquiliser Newsnight Scotland.

Our reactions:

Sarah: “THAT WAS PISH.”

TheWorstWitch: “That was the worst TV I’ve ever watched.” (Please note, her favourite TV shows include You Are What You Eat and Snog, Marry Avoid, so she has low standards for telly, and even she hated it.)

Liam T: “Why wasn’t Nick Clegg on it? He’s the BEST! I wish he’d buy Arran so I could call him ‘Your Lordship.’”

Ever since the earth-shaking political atom bomb that was last weeks Leaders Debate – which SSY dissected in characteristic form – the polls have been turned upside down. Nick Clegg has almost singlehandedly taken the Libdems from third place to pushing the Tories for first. The Libdems have been scrutinised more than at any time for a generation, because they will now almost certainly have to be part of a coalition Government with either Labour or Tories if a there is going to be a stable Government for the next 4 years. And given the cuts that are coming, it had better be stable to withstand the flak.

The massive boost for the libdems is shown in the polls conducted for the Guardian. It shows the Libdems have surged 10 points ahead, are on 30%, with the Tories on 33% and Labour on 28%. The Libdems boost has come at a cost of taking votes from both of the other mainstream parties, and a smaller segment from the smaller ones. David Cameron has resorted to hiding in his back garden as part of a last ditch effort to fuck the Libdems. As rubbish as the Libdems are it’s amusing to watch Cameron and Brown panic over having to develop their arguments a bit more beyond “It’s that prick or me”. What is interesting – and quite shocking – has gone pretty much unreported though.

Labour are set to get the most seats in Parliament, despite coming last in these recent polls.

And although the Libdems are ahead of Labour and only 3 points behind the Tories they have a fraction of their support in terms of MP’s. This is because the Westminster Parliament works on a FPTP system, where most peoples votes are wasted. Also Labour’s majority in 1997 was so huge, that in order to beat them it doesn’t matter if loads of people vote Tory or Liberal in some constituencies – they have to be beaten in key marginals. That’s why the Tories have pumped loads of money from tax dodging exile Lord Ashcroft into seats they need to win to have a clear majority. It’s also why any Labour leaflet coming through your door (particularly in Glasgow) telling you to vote Labour cos it’s a two horse race between them and the Tories is bollocks. Scotland has overwhelmingly voted Labour in the past Westminster elections, and it’s been the votes in the South East that counted.

Nobody in SSY has any sympathy for either the Tories or Libdems – but it’s ridiculous that Labour can get the most seats of any of the 3 major parties with the smallest number of votes. It’s another reason the Westminster parliament is an undemocratic fraud, where political parties on a minority of votes can hold political power. Remember that the next time politicians wonder why young people don’t vote – cos the majority voted against Labour, but they still won anyway.

One bit you might have missed in the leaders’ debate the other night: David Cameron’s justification for why he thinks the UK should retain the capacity to destroy life as we know it by replacing Trident:

Quite what scenario that brings China and the UK into a nuclear war is I’m not sure. Maybe Dave’s got another war to force them to take opium planned again. Or maybe the Tories are committed to a policy of “If we can’t have Hong Kong no one will!!!!”

At least when Labour take us to war the enemy doesn’t really have any WMD they can hit back at the UK with. If you think war with China would be a laugh, maybe you need to check this out Mr. Cameron. While China can easily match the UK when it comes to nukes, they are however the only country to have given a pledge not to use nukes against states that don’t have any (meaning we’d be SAFER if we scrapped Trident) and also have a “no first use” rule when it comes to using nuclear weapons.

We can’t be certain what the future holds for China, but I can be pretty certain there will be ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, not even the kidnapping of Jack Bauer, that would ever justify nuking the most populous nation on Earth. Come on people, are we really going to let the end of the world be a vote winner?

You want a war with these guys? Really?

WHO IS THIS MAN? Answers on a postcard to Lembit Opik's 'hash n honeyz fund', Transylvania

TONIGHT! LIVE! The SSY newsdesk brings you a blow by blow account of all the fucking THRILLING developments in the first of three US-style televised UK party leaders’ debates. What we want to know is, where’s oor Colin? He’d jazz the place up wi his funky earrings and tartan troosers.

8.35 – Gordon Brown is wearing a fetching pink tie, David Cameron looks like a taut scrotum, and some other guy’s crashed the party.

8.45 – All of them are being racist chumps with their bullshit immigration and asylum policies. What a surprise.

8.51 – David Cameron “I went to a drugs rehabilitation centre recently”. OO ER! Joining oul Stevie Purcell were you? He’s also saying “hardened” a lot, which is satisfying our childish humour.

9.01 – Gordon Brown claims the Labour party now support an elected House of Lords. WHAT’S THE POINT IN THAT, IDIOT? Abolish the fuckers. And the Queen.

9.08 – They’re all saying that they back having ‘recall elections’ for MPs when the public think they’ve got out of hand – a populist policy in the wake of the expenses scandal. This is of course something we could support. Of course, under a Labour/Tory/Lib Dem government the outrageous levels of corruption would lead to a by-election every single week!

9.09 – Host Alistair Stewart: “The Scottish and Welsh leaders’ debate take place on Tuesday.” Doesn’t matter cause we’re not real countries anyway.

9.14 – Cameron wants MOAR DISCIPLINEZ in schools, to keep all those pesky youths in check. Like it was in back in Eton, what ho old boy!

9.22 – “I’d LIKE to give everyone 250 pounds, but I just can’t do it right now!” – Nick Clegg. See, the Lib Dems can say whatever they bloody want, they’re never going anywhere.

*SSY newsdesk is bored. SSY newsdesk hopes this guy interrupts soon*

9.33 – All of them have the absolute cheek to try to sound solemn while ‘paying tribute’ to all of the soldiers who have lost their lives in the illegal war supported and implemented by ALL of the establishment parties, causing utter misery to not just those serving soldiers and their grieving families, but also all of the innocent Afghani civilians being killed on a daily basis.

9.40 – Nick Clegg – “We don’t need nuclear weapons to flatten St Petersburg and Moscow” – It’s called Leningrad you fuck!

9.43 – Cameron is rimming the NHS, aww how sweet.

9.43 – Nick Clegg “The government’s wasted some amount of billions on a computer system”. Well get Linux then, loser. Get wi the program Nick, teh internets makes the world go round. FREE THE INTERNET.

9.47 – Gordon Brown has literally said nothing of note. Maybe he is literally in Burma.

9.50 – David Cameron reveals a SHOCKING TRUTH! Apparently it’s not cancer that kills cancer patients, it’s the Labour administration! Nick Clegg says “we should all work on this together” – of course, he’s only saying that because he knows he won’t win. If he was in with a shout he’d be screaming “these fuckers will give you cancer!”. Yunno, under socialism, cancer will be abolished. Just sayin’..

9.53 – Dey talkin bout dis ‘free personal care for the elderly’ ting Gordy B has pledged. Scotland already has that! DEVOLUTION 1 – UNIONISM 0!

9.57 – “I admit that none of us have the perfect solution”. Yeah, we know. The perfect solution is socialism, obvs.

9.58 – Gordon Brown keeps sucking right up Nick Clegg’s hole. Oh Nick, you fine handsome lovely man, won’t you please form a coalition government with me?

9.59 – In the last few minutes, David Cameron has managed to use the words “lever-arch file”. What a thoroughly exciting man.

10.01 – Nick Clegg’s closing statement: “I have remembered all of your names, question askers! Because they are written on my notes! That’s how much I care, unlike those cancerous motherfuckers!”

10.02 – Gordon Brown’s closing statement: “I referenced Britain’s Got Talent, please love me? CANCER CANCER CANCER”

10.04 – David Canceron: “Choose hope over fear. If you are scared of us, don’t be! If you work hard, I’ll be behind you (watching your every move). I am never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie or hurt you.”

That was it then. Yeah, I prefer Tina Fey.

Primark’s secret plot to make little girls more appealing to paedophiles has been revealed, thanks to fearless journalism by The Sun.

They reported that “Primark bosses invite parents to send out girls of seven dressed as sex objects to be leered at by paedophiles,” after it was revealed that Primark have a range of swimwear for children which includes a slightly padded bikini top. Horror of horrors!

Labour, the Conservatives and the Lib Dems are all tripping over themselves to condemn Primark, and the Sun has extended its crusade to a whole host of other shops, announcing that it’s “Paedo heaven on our High Street“.

Let’s have a look at the bikini in question. It’s hardly a Wonderbra, is it?

There are two reasons girls start wearing bras or crop tops long before we might actually need them for support:

- to be mature and grown up, and avoid being made fun of by girls

- to hide the shape of our developing breasts, and avoid being made fun of by boys

Remember school swimming lessons, and having to stand in front of everyone you knew in a skintight costume that left nothing to the imagination whilst the PE teacher droned on for what seemed like an eternity… but none of the other kids paid attention because they were too busy making fun of you for either being a flatchested baby or a bigtitted slutty bitch? And to top it off, all of the popular girls are wearing bikinis and you’re stuck in a totally lame onepiece. Being a kid is really fucking hard.

As well as being ridiculous and not helping anyone, The Sun’s PAEDO BIKINI panic has an extremely sinister undertone. If paedophiles are only preying on children because of their “sexy” clothes, then who should take the blame when children are abused? The shops that sold the sexy clothes? The parents for buying them? The kids for wearing them? Anyone but the actual abuser and the sexually fucked up society obsessed with little girls’ and their virginity and purity, whilst promoting an pornographic ideal of hairless and childlike womanhood.

Laurie Penny at the Guardian’s Comment is Free has had the only remotely sensible take on this so far, saying:

Rather than encouraging healthy sexual exploration or promoting education, campaigns to protect girls from “sexualisation” assume that sexuality itself is a corrupting influence on young women.

The notion of “sexualisation” deserves serious critical unpacking. The term envisions girl children as blank erotic slates upon which sexuality can only ever be violently imposed. This narrow vision of sexuality leaves no room for young girls to explore authentic desire at their own pace, insisting instead that girls need to be protected from erotic influence, while boys, presumably, are free to fiddle with themselves to their hearts’ content.

Far from protecting young girls, the “anti-sexualisation” agenda actually serves a culture that shames girls if they have sexual feelings of their own while fetishising them as objects of erotic capital. The pornographic and advertising industries routinely infantilise adult women in an erotic context: in 2008, catwalk model Lily Cole infamously posed nude for French Playboy cuddling a teddy bear and licking a lollipop. Corporate visions of pubescent sexuality are marketed to children and adults alike as ritualised acts of erotic drag, and from an early age, young girls have a profound understanding that such sexual performance must be undertaken if we are not to be socially punished…

This ugly world of performative erotic control is made more confusing by a vociferous moral lobby in which adults talk to other adults about what young girls should be permitted to wear, say and do. The online mumocracy’s call for retailers to “show parents that their company believes that children should be allowed to be children” is irrelevant to the real experiences of girls growing up in a world where our sexual impulses are stolen and sold back to us.

Padded bras for preteens are not the problem. The problem is a culture of prosthetic, commodified female sexual performance, a culture which morally posturing politicians appear to deem perfectly acceptable as long as it is not ‘premature’. By assuming that sexuality can only ever be imposed upon girl children, campaigns to ‘let girls be girls’  ignore the fact that late capitalism refuses to let women be women – at any age.

But leaving all of that aside… surely paedophiles want children to look as childlike as possible, and would therefore be resolutely opposed to padded bras for kids? LOGIC FAIL.