This election, we are told, is an election of ‘change’. All parties want it. After thirteen years of New Labour, a change of Government seems likely. But will anything actually change? Yesterday, David Miliband in the Daily Telegraph said that the next parliament would see more New Labour MPs elected than in 1997. The Conservatives’ own candidates are increasingly being exposed as homophobic, with a significant number drawn from the newly unemployed class some refer to as  ’bankers’ (hold your tongue to say that one). The Liberals, after eighty years of doing nothing except damaging the climate through the hot gas they expel at regular intervals, think that by putting up a front-man who SSY recently exposed as a horsefly in disguise as a human, they may actually trick the electorate into thinking they are the REAL party of ‘change’.

Let us consider seriously the past thirteen years of New Labour: it is easy to take the piss, but some sobering thoughts before you vote are worth considering.

New Labour’s policies produced the rise of the ‘Welfare Benefit Class’. Harder to say than simply ‘the Poor’, this group has grown under New Labour, and remain below the poverty line on a multitude of ‘benefits’ which are so low, those on them are kept in poverty but unable to find a job which pays better than the benefits they are on.

New Labour have ceased to be the party of the working class. Instead, they are content to see people remain in poverty on benefits, and allow Capitalists and free-marketeers to continue their excellent job of exploiting us all.

During the same time as the unemployed and low-waged were kept down with measly benefits, the Rich were given the power to outsource their jobs around the world, use zero hour contracts to import cheap labour and cheat those workers out of all rights and benefits, paying less than the minimum wage.

Council house sell-offs continued, bankers speculated on future loses, and all this time the Government borrowed against our future with further privatisation and PFI projects, part-sell offs of Air traffic Control, attempts to privatise Royal Mail and demands to tender all government contracts from in-house, government employees to private companies in the name of ‘value for money’. These private companies, having underestimated their costs to win the job, then employed the same employees but on lower wages, poorer conditions and fewer hours to do the same job.

The minimum wage was introduced, but at such a ridiculously low level it was impossible to make ends meet with just one 40-hour a week job. And those under 22 didn’t even qualify, because their labour, was somehow not as valuable. And all the time, the number of working class people forced to survive on benefit handouts increased. Despite the fact that overwhelmingly they want a decent job and want to work. But it was easier to deal with the unemployed, those in poverty and those on low wages with tax credits than actually address the core problem: the working conditions and rights of the workers of the country, and provide jobs.

No matter how hard people work, how many jobs they get, under this system poverty and inequality will continue. And with the increasing number on benefits all the parties are now telling us that the ‘Poor’, or commonly, ‘benefit scroungers’ (easier to say for Tories than tell us who they are), don’t work hard enough and must be forced to get off benefits. Incapacity allowance, jobseeker’s allowance and other benefits are only for the ‘genuine’. The Rich, they say, have earned their wealth. (Interestingly, Paris Hilton is never used as a shining example of the ‘meritocracy’ in which we are supposed to live.) This is the country which New Labour has created.

Understandably for these reasons, and many others, people may be thinking as they cast their vote “anyone but New Labour”. With record youth unemployment, a disgraceful approach to human rights, civil liberties and a racist immigration policy makes this obvious. But the Conservatives or the LibDems aren’t the solution. Just remember: in the 1980s David Cameron looked at the Conservative Party under Margaret Thatcher, and he saw mass unemployment, miners’ striking, racial tension, widespread privatisation, social unrest, anti-trade union laws, Section 28, the rich getting richer at the expense of the poorest in society, and thought ”This is my Party; I belong here.” Today, after a month of General Election campaigning, this is what David Cameron’s idea of ”change” boils down to, despite claims he’s just like us. The Conservative Party has not changed one bit. The Liberal Democrats’ idea of ”change” is no different: means-testing of universal benefits, widespread public service cuts, reneging on scraping tuition fees, and the continuation of a Trident-equivalent nuclear deterrent.

We are told than in this election, that ‘change’ is coming. With the danger of a hung parliament, if we vote LibDem, we get Labour. Or if we vote LibDem, we get Tory. Before you cast your vote, remember this: New Labour were Thatcherites but more so. David Cameron and Nick Clegg will be New Labour but more so. It’s best to file all of this scum under “Tory”.

Vote Socialist on 6 May.

Nick Clegg was tonight hounded out of Glasgow by angry local socialists.

When SSY members in Maryhill heard that Nick Clegg was in our local community centre, we roared into action to try and ask him a few questions about his policies.

The entrances to the community centre were surrounded by cops and Nick Clegg’s personal body guards, and as soon as they caught a whiff of us walkietalkies were buzzing, as they planned his escape from the terrifying sight of people who don’t agree with him.

Despite only finding out about the Lib Dem Love In with half an hour to spare, we rounded up local activists to make our point… in contrast to the Lib Dems, who had clearly bussed in activists from across the country – and across the border!

Before Clegg was scheduled to leave the building, a flood of Liberal Democrat supporters crowded around us with placards in an attempt to stop Clegg or the press from seeing anyone question the Lib Dems, and Clegg’s messiah complex.

Lib Dems attempted to obscure our placards – when they failed, many of them attempted to forcibly remove our placards from us and were aggressive in attempts to hide them from view.

Clegg was ushered into a shiny James Bond car and didn’t bother to address our concerns, only giving us and our placards a disdainful look. I suppose he only cares about what local people think if they’re thinking that they’d like to kiss his arse. He was no doubt terrified of the massed placard waving hordes of Maryhill SSY.

When his car had sped off, we were surrounded by Lib Dem activists who didn’t seem to know their own policies as well as we did. None of them Lib Dems we spoke to knew that their party…

- wanted to stop public sector workers from being able to strike

- are in favour of Britain having weapons of mass destruction

- opposed the introduction of a national minimum wage, and wanted the minimum wage to be lower in poor regions

- want to impose savage cuts

- support fascists in Thailand, through their membership of the Liberal International

and that Nick Clegg is a great admirer of Margaret Thatcher!

Err… maybe you should research your party before you join it?

It’s great that so many people are looking to the Lib Dem for a left-wing alternative to the Tories or New Labour – but they’re looking in the wrong place.

The final leader’s debate is TONIGHT and we will once more be bringing you all the best bits LIVE.

Tonight’s debate is meant to be about economic affairs. It will probably just be deja vu all over again as we see the three stooges squabble amongst themselves over who can be the most right-wing and racist about immigration, whilst Nick and Dave try to simultaneously give Gordon a ticking off for being mean to an old lady (who is in reality only as bigoted as all three of them want her to be).

To the extent that it is about the economy, we all know how close their agenda is. Who can make the most turkeys vote for Christmas? Who can give you a box of shit in the nicest wrapping paper? Who can be the politest and smarmiest about the fact they’re planning to puke in your bed later on?

To understand what’s really going to happen with the economy after the election, just ask Simon Hayes of Barclays Capital, as mentioned here, who says that he’s not worried cos he knows whoever gets elected, he’ll get what he wants.

The only consolation is that Mervyn King, governor of the Bank of England, says that whoever wins will be out of power for a generation because the cuts they’ll have to make will be so bad. And it’s not a very good consolation, a bit like someone stealing your Big Mac and having a heart attack.

But let’s not think too much about all the pish the next government is going to pull (and all the demos and strikes we’ll have to have to try and stop them), and just sit back and watch who can lie most effectively about what an utter fuckwit they are. As ever, we’ve got an incisive team of political analysts on hand, consisting of me, Jack, and Neldo (who demanded we say “Analysts? Or Anal-ists?”, so be prepared for high quality anal-ysis.)

It’s the final countdown. . .

20.32: David Cameron: There’s no point in borrowing from China, cos I want to nuke it anyway.

20.35: Nick Clegg says the top 20% of people receiving tax credits shouldn’t be getting them, but the top 20% of earners are fine. Thanks Nick! Shows who you’re looking out for.

20.37: Dave Cameron says his ideas are not popular but they’re the right thing to do – freeze public sector wages, make everyone work a year longer before retirement. Blah blah. How come working people have to pay whilst all your rich pals are just lining their pockets?

20.40: Gordo says public sector pensions are being “reformed”?! Yeah, being reformed into a big fat zero!

20.40: They’re all calling cuts “savings” as if we’re going to get it back one day. Fuck’s sake.

20.41: David Cameron has mentioned Marks & Spencers in every Leaders’ Debate so far… what’s going on with that? Maybe he likes their lasagne.

20.42: Gordon Brown’s grin makes him look like a chimpanzee. Or maybe Lee Evans’ grandad.

20.43: They keep talking about the economy as if it’s a kid, that needs to be “supported” so it can “get moving and growing”. It’s not a kid, it’s a bunch of old rich banker bastards taking our money.

20:45: Cleggmania says let’s get everyone together in a capitalist unified dictatorship “Council on Financial Stability” which sounds pretty sinister.

20:46: Gordon forgot to mention that he also abolished the lowest rate of tax, therefore fucking over the poorest people.

20:47: Dave sees waste all around him. Like having his chaffeur follow him on a bike to carry his Muller Light.

20:48: Gordon keeps shaking his head, as if to say “Incorrect, you bigotted cunt.”

20:50: David says that owning your own home then passing it on to your kids is the most natural human instinct of all. No it’s not, shitting, pissing and eating are. And that’s what we’re doing to his fiscal policies. HA.

20:52: Bugger tax credits, can we just have decent pay please? Oh yeah, I forgot you promising to cut it, representative of “Labour”.

20:54: Clegg: Well these two are cunts, but I’m cool.

20:55: Nick Clegg: It’s sooo unfair. I’m going to my room. I hate you!

20:56: Clegg says there’s political point scoring. In a telly debate where they try and persuade us to vote for them? Surely not?

20:57 Cameron: “Hmm, we need to regulate the banks, who we gonna get to do it? Fuck it, the banks can just do it themselves.”

20:59 Brown says he’s never been as angry as when he spoke to the director of a bank. Apart from when he spoke to that old woman the other day.

21:01 Nick Clegg: “The main parties are too close to the city. That’s why we’re based inside a secret cave on the moon.”

21:03 Gordon Brown knows it isn’t the size of the banks that count, its how you use them.

21:04 David Cameron: “If we were in the Euro, your taxes and national insurance wouldn’t be going on schools and hospitals.” They’d be going on écoles et hôpitals.

21:05 Equipment for the future is one of Gordon Brown’s priorities for industry. Going by Back to the Future 2, we should all have hoverboards by 2015.

21:11 To all the candidates: I don’t want a loan from a bank, I want to own a bank…seeing as I’ve paid for it.

21:14 Gordon Brown shows off his technical lingo with his desire to see 100% super fast broadband over the whole country. Just make sure you don’t use it to download music or you’ll get 0% internet.

21:16 David Cameron shows off the Tories’ new clone technology: “We’ve had 9 different energy ministers, two of them were the same person.”

21:19 They all seem to have statistics on the level of immigration but no information on why they are so opposed to it. So lots of people come to Britain but no-one seems to have any statistics to say this is a bad thing.

21:20 Gordon Brown wants to protect people in jobs by giving them Tax Credits. Doesn’t help if you’re only on 11 grand a year anyway.

21:25 The only reason I can think of why people would come here illegally is because they’re lawless rulebreakers. No-one comes here because they’re in desperate poverty at home, can’t afford the hundreds of pounds for a visa, don’t meet the strict rules regarding skills you need, have health problems or can’t afford legitimate transport to the UK. Don’t forget, anyone who can’t afford to be here legally deserves to starve at home!

21:31 David Cameron wants to build more houses. Guess he doesn’t mean the hundreds of empty luxury flats found in all the major cities in Britain. We have thousands of empty flats and thousands of homeless people. Hmmm….nope….can’t think of any solution to the problem.

21.36: My interest rate in what he’s saying is rapidly shrinking.

21.37: Nick Clegg believes in work. I don’t. I think it’s a myth.

21.38: Gordon wants to force people on the dole to work for tuppence for six months before going back on the dole. Great plan!

21:45: Woah woah woah, cutting benefit for UP TO 3 YEARS?! That’s well longer than the amount of time it takes to starve to death!

21:46: Clegg: I have a plan, I will save you, come and suckle Daddy’s tax tits.

21:48: Gordon Brown is interested in social mobility, cos for the love of god you wouldn’t want to be working class. Mind you, I’d like to see David Cameron move downwards.

21:51: GONNA SHUT UP ABOUT TAX CREDITS?!

21:52: David Cameron had an argument on the pavement about special education, and whether he should be in it.

21:55: Dave says teachers are getting 4000 pages of information a year. Teachers? Reading stuff? Wtf?

21:57: He also thinks what matters most is how we look after the poorest and most vulnerable. That’s why he’s going to shit all over them with his big tax arse.

21:59: Nick says we should choose the future we want in the election next year. I want a future full of aliens, space colonisation and mad future drugs, but I don’t think anyone is standing on that platform. (Jack wrote that bit.)

22:00: Sounded a whole lot like GB just said “Conservative tax cuts would go to the richest cunts in the country.” Let’s just say that he did. He ended with his freaky idiot grin.

So, that’s that. Yet again, they’ve shown us that whichever of the big 3 parties you go with you’ll get shafted*. No matter how much they want to sugar coat their policies, they’re all going to be taking care of the rich and no-one else.

That’s why everyone should join the SSP lol!!!!!!1

*Literally. By Gordon Brown’s tax cock. It’s not how big it is, it’s the way it’s run that counts.

This blog is all in favour of copying. We’ve stood up for the rights of internet filesharers, and we frequently steal pictures off google image search ourselves.

But sometimes copying goes too far. Today’s Sun exclusively revealed that the leader of the Scottish Tories, Annabel Goldie, is a no good dirty joke thief.

Goldie compared Nick Clegg, leader of the Lib Dems and (as we all know since last week’s leader’s debate) the beautiful and wise saviour of all mankind, with a Cleg, aka a horsefly.

Ho ho, isn’t she witty! Well, considering we beat her to the joke by several days, no, she’s a long way behind Scotland’s main source of satire, Leftfield.

Clearly the Tories know the threat they face from SSY’s blog. In a few short months our ultimate combination of silly jokes with silly pictures made on MS Paint has propelled us to the brink of power. With James Nesbitt poised for a landslide victory in Glasgow Central, and Donald Trump running scared of Ewan Robertson’s provisional government of Aberdeen, the Tories are clearly worried. Terrified that we are about to put all Tories on trial in a revolutionary tribunal on account of them being bastards, they have resorted to stealing our jokes.

In the short term, before we can properly deal with Annabel, we are fully prepared to take her to the highest court of comedy for the lawsuit of the century. It will be a titanic legal battle, but we are confident that a working class jury will recognise our blog as funnier than the most anti-socialist, anti-trade union Tory leader in Scotland. We’ll see you in court Annabel. We’re hiring this guy to represent us:

Are you watching the Scottish Leaders’ Election debate tonight?

We thought not. But SSY plans to repeat our feat of last week by bringing you LIVEBLOGGING action of ‘Scotland Debates,’ and in the process doubling STV’s viewing figures!

Why are we so sure that there’ll be so few watching? Well let’s start the fact that all those taking part are absolute fucking mystery men.

Don’t get us wrong, the people who write this blog are nerdy about politics. But we literally have not heard of most of the people representing the “major” parties on STV tonight. You’d think that if you were pitching for people’s vote you would put up a face they know, like Alex Salmond. But no, all the Scottish party leaders are MSPs, and are not standing in this Westminster election. Quite why they still aren’t allowed to come and represent their parties policies is beyond us.

What this farce does illustrate though is the growing political gap between Scotland and the rest of the UK. Last week we watched Brown, Cameron and Clegg say they’d do a bunch of stuff they have no power to do in Scotland. We look forward to seeing wtf all these Westminster MPs are going to debate tonight, given they only have power over things like foreign affairs, broadcasting or drugs (as if they’d have a debate about that.) All the big domestic issues, like health and education, are run by the Scottish Parliament, so the government that’ll be elected in May has no power over them here.

So who the fuck are these nonentities. As we wait with feverish excitement (not) for the debate to begin, we bring you a quick profile of the participants.

-Jim Murphy, the Secretary for State for Scotland in Her Majesty’s Government. Otherwise known as a completely pointless job since the Scottish Parliament was invented. In fact what Jim Murphy does is act as the member of the government responsible for campaigning for Labour in Scotland. He takes this job so seriously he often confuses the city of Glasgow with the Labour Party, something Leftfield has commented on before. He’s a former student bureaucrat for the NUS, and a former chair of Labour Friends of Israel.

-Angus Robertson, the leader of the SNP at Westminster. OK, we’re on shakier territory here, I know pretty much nothing about him though. Some swift googling however reveals that in the expenses scandal he claimed £1, 119 for a TV, £400 for a Home Cinema System, £500 for a bed and £2,324 for a sofa bed. So we’re guessing he likes to relax with a movie. At your expense.

-David Mundell, the ONLY Scottish Tory MP, and therefore the Shadow Scottish Secretary, by virtue of having literally no competition. Apparently a couple of years ago he wrote a memo which got leaked to the Record denouncing the leadership of the Scottish Tories, saying there was “a simple lack of thinkers” and that they were incapable of coming up with new policies. We wonder what leader of the Scottish Tories Annabel Goldie will be thinking as she watches him on the “leaders” debate.

-Alistair Carmichael, who is allegedly a Lib Dem MP for Orkney and Shetland. Why we are seeing this man is a total mystery to us. Apparently he was once part of a successful campaign to ban a book which slagged off islanders. Maybe he burned the author in a Wicker man, we don’t know, we’re speculating at this point.

So, are you thrilled and exciting yet?!?! Below are pictures of the mystery men. If you know which one is which you officially need to get a life.

21.03-”All these questions will be directly relevant to Scotland.” Unfortunately, they will be answered by completely irrelevant people.

21.06-Murphy “A perfect storm has scunnered Scotland.” The man from the government said that twice.

21.07-Angus Robertson is going on about expenses. See above about his really expensive telly.

21.08-The mystery Lib Dem man has been a mystery Lib Dem man since he was 14 and has never been this excited! Clegg-mania!

21.09-The Tory looks like a creepy, surprised owl. He’s keen to stress it’s a British election, otherwise he’d be completely irrelevant.

21.12-Nasal Murphy wants to cut the cost of dole scum! “We’re committed to raising the national minimum wage”, an impressive promise of something that happens every year anyway.

21.13-David Mundell has waste in his system that needs to come out now. He should eat more fibre.

21.19-David Mundell sez that no other party on the planet apart from the SNP pretends there doesn’t need to be cuts. Erm, actually the SSP does! And we’ve actually got a way we could do it! Take the money off ur banker pals!

21.21-Shouty man is shouting at “the guy in the red tie”. Even the audience don’t know who these fuckers are. He wants the old jobs back, not new ones. Murphy is not however promising to employ him as a town crier or jester tho.

21.25-Lib Dem man says we forget 9/11 too easily. 9 a what now? “It would be foolish to set a timetable for withdrawing our troops from Afghanistan.” Yeah, cos there’s no real timescale to an unwinnable war really is there?

21.27-Murphy says that we either fight the Taliban in Afghanistan or we fight them here. Meanwhile, Afghan warlords are massing for an assault on the Piping Centre, because of all the anti-war traitors that didn’t want to fight them over there.

21.29-Is Angus Robertson chewing a sweet?

21.30-Jim Murphy has a war planning diary, but he will NEVER write retreat in it. Nor will he ever ring the Taliban to say he’s leaving. Presumably he wouldn’t need to cos as soon as our troops left Afghanistan the Taliban would take power in Scotland, like wot he said.

21.33-Mundell “If you have an independent review, you should stick by what it says”, especially if it means I get to keep my lovely lovely expenses cash.

21.34-Could a devious individual invent a new species of flipping? What will flipper the dolphin say about this new species and the MP scientist responsible?

21.38-Woman in the audience-”I understand what expenses are for, but the system is a joke. It needs to get sorted out. WOW, insightful.

21.39-Mundell is like a fat version of Ben from Lost. He answers questions in the same evasive way, with an undertone of menace. Or there would be menace if he wasn’t so unscary (personally, not politically.)

21.42-In a poll, what’s the difference between being undecided and not having an opinion. Were some people militant about not having an opinion, and didn’t dare want to be lumped with the people who haven’t decided if they have an opinion yet?

21.44-Murphy: “There’s too much squabbling in politics.” Maybe we should have some kind of bizarre electoral system where no matter what happens Labour will always get elected to most of the seats in Scotland, but it doesn’t really matter because all the main parties agree we need cuts and to give big business whatever they want. Oh, wait. . .

21.48-Lib Dem man gets excited: “HOW DARE YOU DENY PEOPLE THEIR RIGHT TO LOVELY CLEGG! THERE’S A THIRD CHOICE AND IT’S AWESOME!”

21.49-Insightful woman with the earrings strikes again. “If everyone just worked together we could have a brilliant Britain.” People like you elected Hitler, lol.

21.52-Did you notice how Angus Robertson had a funny tone when he said “Northern. . .Irish representation” to allude he’s going to be pally with the crazy DUP?

21.53-While they drone on, news reaches us by text. Apparently Murphy used to be kind of involved with the RCP, and thought the militant tendency were not left wing enough. We hear he was a hardline vegetarian with pro-Palestine views. . . Then he became a right wing hack chair of Friends of Israel. What a twat.

Is that it? God, nothing makes you feel like you live in a diddy country than some pish like that nonsense, or watching the televisual tranquiliser Newsnight Scotland.

Our reactions:

Sarah: “THAT WAS PISH.”

TheWorstWitch: “That was the worst TV I’ve ever watched.” (Please note, her favourite TV shows include You Are What You Eat and Snog, Marry Avoid, so she has low standards for telly, and even she hated it.)

Liam T: “Why wasn’t Nick Clegg on it? He’s the BEST! I wish he’d buy Arran so I could call him ‘Your Lordship.’”

As per usual, the national media is following the trends set by SSY, and jumping on the hilarious photoshops of Nick Clegg bandwagon. To a pukeworthy degree.

All images from The Guardian.

Ever since the earth-shaking political atom bomb that was last weeks Leaders Debate – which SSY dissected in characteristic form – the polls have been turned upside down. Nick Clegg has almost singlehandedly taken the Libdems from third place to pushing the Tories for first. The Libdems have been scrutinised more than at any time for a generation, because they will now almost certainly have to be part of a coalition Government with either Labour or Tories if a there is going to be a stable Government for the next 4 years. And given the cuts that are coming, it had better be stable to withstand the flak.

The massive boost for the libdems is shown in the polls conducted for the Guardian. It shows the Libdems have surged 10 points ahead, are on 30%, with the Tories on 33% and Labour on 28%. The Libdems boost has come at a cost of taking votes from both of the other mainstream parties, and a smaller segment from the smaller ones. David Cameron has resorted to hiding in his back garden as part of a last ditch effort to fuck the Libdems. As rubbish as the Libdems are it’s amusing to watch Cameron and Brown panic over having to develop their arguments a bit more beyond “It’s that prick or me”. What is interesting – and quite shocking – has gone pretty much unreported though.

Labour are set to get the most seats in Parliament, despite coming last in these recent polls.

And although the Libdems are ahead of Labour and only 3 points behind the Tories they have a fraction of their support in terms of MP’s. This is because the Westminster Parliament works on a FPTP system, where most peoples votes are wasted. Also Labour’s majority in 1997 was so huge, that in order to beat them it doesn’t matter if loads of people vote Tory or Liberal in some constituencies – they have to be beaten in key marginals. That’s why the Tories have pumped loads of money from tax dodging exile Lord Ashcroft into seats they need to win to have a clear majority. It’s also why any Labour leaflet coming through your door (particularly in Glasgow) telling you to vote Labour cos it’s a two horse race between them and the Tories is bollocks. Scotland has overwhelmingly voted Labour in the past Westminster elections, and it’s been the votes in the South East that counted.

Nobody in SSY has any sympathy for either the Tories or Libdems – but it’s ridiculous that Labour can get the most seats of any of the 3 major parties with the smallest number of votes. It’s another reason the Westminster parliament is an undemocratic fraud, where political parties on a minority of votes can hold political power. Remember that the next time politicians wonder why young people don’t vote – cos the majority voted against Labour, but they still won anyway.

Nick Clegg has been reaping the rewards of being the only person in the Leader’s TV debates who wasn’t in Labour or the Tories. Yesterday, a yougov poll was released that showed Clegg is now enjoying almost the same levels of popularity as Winston Churchill at the height of his power.

But some are concerned that the popularity has gone to his head, as today Clegg sensationally claimed “I think we’re more popular than Jesus now.”

Speaking live from a bed-in protest to demand the continuation of the war in Afghanistan, Clegg claimed that he had more influence over kids than the son of God. He argued that the Lib Dems now represented the proud Biblical tradition of standing for several contradictory things at once, depending on who they’re talking to at the time. He also unveiled his fetching new Lib Dem robes he intends to show off at the next TV debate, whilst Vince Cable and other disciples listened enraptured to his every word and washed his feet.

Lib Dems have argued that nothing will ever be the same after Clegg’s performance in the TV debates, claiming he is the messiah, the only one true God-man who can cut spending, slash services and throw people out of work by spreading the gospel of the Lib Dem manifesto.

However, the remarks have sparked controversy and outrage from religious believers unimpressed by the new cult of Cleggianity. The Pope, desperate to distract attention from his own PR difficulties said: “I am disgusted by these blasphemous Lib Dem comments. I believe Nick Clegg is part of the same alliance of Jews, homosexuals and Satan that have made up all this malicious gossip about me.”

But Clegg turned the other cheek to the attacks, saying: “The Pope, like Gordon Brown and David Cameron, is a nowhere man. With a little help from my friends, we can work it out. Our message in this election is that we should all just Come Together, right now, over me.”

(If you have no idea what this post is about, you might want to check this. Additional images by Liam T.)

Lib Dem supporters in this election must feel like they’re dreaming after the TV debates the other night. The Liberal Democrats have had a huge poll boost, and are now ahead of Labour in people’s voting intentions.

Why has this party, seemingly always doomed to be an also-ran, suddenly emerged as an actual contender for power? Mainly because people hate Labour and the Tories. The incredibly undemocratic election system used for the UK parliament has meant it has always been a two horse race, and the Lib Dems have never really stood a chance of getting into government. So people have always assumed that however rubbish both Labour and the Tories are, you have to vote for one of them. The telly rarely devote anything like the coverage to the Lib Dems as they do to the big two. And when you see parliament on the news, Brown and Cameron are down the front battling it out and Nick Clegg is somewhere up the back being shouted down.

So, for most people, who aren’t that political, the idea that there actually is an alternative to the different shades of shite being proffered to us by the big two is quite exciting. This is the first proper look they’ve had at the Lib Dems, and it’s people who don’t pay that much attention to politics who are driving their poll ratings.

The problem is, you could stick anyone up against Brown and Cameron and they’d end up looking good. We’re all bored of the two of them, and someone else is always going to seem new, different, and therefore, good. But unfortunately, the Lib Dems are just as much a party of the establishment as the other two.  If you really want change from the mess that all the right wing parties have got us into, they’re not going to give it to you. Here’s a few reasons why:

1. One of the biggest boosts Nick Clegg got in the leaders’ debates was when he said he was against the replacement of Trident. A lot of people will have thought that this means that the Lib Dems are against the UK continuing to hold Weapons of Mass Destruction that could destroy life as we know it. In Scotland, the trade unions, the churches and everyone with half a brain cell are against the madness of nukes. The Lib Dems, unfortunately, are not. Their manifesto only says they’re against “like for like” replacement of Trident, and that they’d hold a full review in government. Nick Clegg has previously talked about how an option they’d explore is using the Astute system instead of Trident – slightly less powerful submarines, but still capable of travelling anywhere in the world to deliver mass death on the orders of Prime Minister Clegg. The idea that the Lib Dems are clearly against nuclear weapons is just not true.

2. They support the idea of getting young people on to bullshit work placements, where they will only be paid £55 a week, for three months. To give them credit, they do support ending age-wage discrimination, by making the minimum wage the same for all workers over 16. That is, unless you’re on an apprenticeship, in which case it’ll still be perfectly legal to exploit your labour for less than the minimum wage.

3. They want to start privatising Royal Mail, meaning the postal service will get worse, and posties jobs will be attacked, as Royal Mail goes further down the road of making private profits instead of public service.

4. They want to set up a UK Infrastructure Bank, that will continue the idea of using private money to build public projects. That is, every time we build a new school, hospital or road, some private investor will get rich at your expense.

5. They are “critical supporters” of the UK mission in Afghanistan. Having voted for the imperialist slaughter and occupation of Afghanistan, they now explicitly support the strategy of a troops surge.

6. Like the Labour manifesto, they lump crime and immigration in together, tail-ending the rhetoric of the far right. In the debate Clegg seemed desperate to join in with the “tough on immigrants” chat, promising that he would force immigrant workers to stay in the one region where their labour was needed, meaning people can’t move around the UK looking for work.

Probably most importantly, the Lib Dems accept, as do all the contenders to be the next UK government, that we should pay for the capitalist economic crisis. They’re up front that they’re going to make big spending cuts, and restrict tax credits. They claim their strategy is to be honest with people about the need to recoup the money paid out to banks.

The only vote against this pish is voting socialist. All the capitalist parties accept the banks have the right to take our money, continue to pay themselves huge bonuses and make huge profits, while we have to suffer cuts to pay for it. For the many people who are looking for an alternative and are attracted to the Lib Dems, unfortunately we’re not going to get a government that stands up for us, even if they win. We need to start building up for a fight against whoever gets in, and strengthening our forces to resist the cuts. One of the ways you can do that is by voting for the SSP where we’re standing on May 6th.

Clegg: [klɛg, glɛg, glɛd]n. The gadfly, horsefly. Also known as Nick.
Definition: A blood-sucking beastie that leaves an extremely painful bite. Considered as pests for the bites that many inflict, they are among the world’s largest true flies. Found largely in the Highlands, northern and rural Scotland. Though they emerge only during warm weather and are extremely loud during flight, Cleggs are only heard or noticed during elections, 6 weeks after which most Cleggs wither and die.

Their bite can spread anthrax to former Tory voters; they are also known to spread worms. Cleggs can even penetrate light sweaters worn by woolly liberals, such is their ferocious bite.

The pain of a Clegg bite may mean that the victim is more concerned with assessing and repairing the wound, rather than finding and swatting the Clegg as standard practice with most pests.

Cleggs can only be repelled with the strongest pest repellent, or a good dose of Socialist education.

For more information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horse-fly