Posts Tagged “Labour”

This time last year it looked almost certain that Labour would not only lose the election, but be absolutely humiliated by the Tories. They had not only dropped in the polls, but actually came third in the European Elections. Within the past month however, Labour’s electoral fortunes have resurged, Lazarus like. It is not an overwhelming resurgence – they are still behind the Tories in %’s in all polls, but thanks to the UK’s electoral boundaries they could get less votes than the Tories but win more seats. This has happened before in UK voting history. Even if they do win more seats than the Tories however, they would at best have a minority Government. Class politics anyone?

This is increasingly the best Labour can hope for – though it is not an impossibility. A Labour Government could either run the country as a minority Government, like the SNP do in Scotland – or they could form a coalition with the Libdems. This electoral scenario should give hope to Socialists, as it means at a time when the bankers need a strong Government to push through ruthless and brutal cuts the UK will actually have the weakest Government in decades.

Labour have already tried to steal the Tories thunder by claiming that their cuts will be “deeper than Thatcher’s”. That should send a chill down the spine of millions of working people in the UK, especially as it is being said BEFORE a general election. At the same time Labour are saying they will defend frontline services – it’s bizarre that both Cameron and Brown believe they can both make savage cuts but not attack peoples communities, education, and NHS. It’s a con trick that will be exposed when they start to try and make those cuts, and the left has to be able to organise and fight back like we did in the SOS campaign.

Despite New Labour trying to retake Tory ground quite clumsily, they are still managing to stay in the polls with a fighting chance – why? The most sensible explanation is that the real threat of a Tory Government has mobilised Labour’s old working class support to vote for them. Despite hatred of Labour, millions of people can remember Thatcherism and will vote for a lesser evil to stop it. Also, again in a crude and disingenuous way Labour are using class as a tactic. From Gordon Brown attacking Cameron’s Eton background, to their “Fairer for All” sloganeering Labour are trying desperately to carve out some difference between them and the Tories.

For the past 13 years Labour have dropped ideology from their politics – they got elected on the basis they were the best “administrators” of the UK. They could rely on most of their working class base and large sections of the middle class to vote for them on this basis. Now that the economy has collapsed so badly, Labour can’t pretend to be competent apolotical admins. They have to create some kind of false divide between them and the Tories, and they are having some success in exploiting widespread anger at privilege to pose as the defenders of the working class majority.

This crude posturing was supposed to be the reason Labour could not win elections – mentioning class was meant to lead to electoral disaster. Yet right now, it is probably the only tactic that could keep Gordon Brown in Number 10. If nothing else it is heartening for Socialists and the Left in general, that basic parts of our politics are not irrelevant or outdated, even when they aren’t fleshed out.

Where Labour’s use of “class war” may fail is obvious though – while millions of working class people hate the Tories, and will vote for New Labour if they pose as the defenders of working people just as many know the reality; that Labour are trundling out this rhetoric to win an election, and have applied none of these ideas when they had the opportunity to.

This blog can be serious sometimes, as displayed through our use of graphs.

The Joseph Rowntree Foundation outlines how the poorest tenth of the population in the UK have actually seen their wealth decline – at the same time as the richest tenth have seen their wealth increase dramatically. 40% of the increase in wealth in the UK has gone to that top 10% of earners, this top 10% also has a combined wealth equal to the bottom half of earners. The top 10% are more than 100 times as wealthy as the bottom 10%.

Class politics are by no means dead in the UK, and never will be for as long as class divisions exist. But if New Labour wants to use class rhetoric to win an election, they need to have the actions to back up the propaganda.

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Jim Murphy, champion of Glasgow

While being interviewed by Brian Taylor about all this nasty Purcell business, which SSY has made passing comment on, Jim Murphy, Scottish Secretary (AKA official attempted whip of the entirety of Scotland) and knobhead, has said that he wishes everybody would stop being so nasty to Glasgow. The problem, of course, is that Jim seems to be getting the Glasgow Labour Party mixed up with Glasgow the city.

“The Labour Party is more than one individual. I think what happened to Steven Purcell was a horrible situation for himself and his family. It was a personal trauma for him, but there are wider issues about Labour in Glasgow.” Jim says. Resisting my language student temptation to analyse Jim’s interesting semantic choices (I guess all those drugs just ‘happened’ to jump up Steven Purcell’s nose), and the fact that it wasn’t just a tragedy for his family but a total abuse of Purcell’s office, from which he has escaped quickly and cleanly for a nice holiday in the sun, Jim’s right to say that there are wider issues about Labour in Glasgow.

School closures, service cuts and now their new plan to privatise Glasgow’s wonderful parks*; all of these are major issues that I have with Glasgow Labour. The fact is that they do a good enough job of besmirching their own reputation without Steven Purcell’s help.

Don't let those straws get their hooks into you, Jim!

Jim also says that “We should be proud of Glasgow in the same way we’re proud of Edinburgh, in the same way we’re proud of Dundee with the games industry, in the same way we’re proud of Aberdeen with the oil and gas industry.” and he’s right – Glasgow is a fantastic city. But the problem Jim has here is that nobody’s been saying that the whole of Glasgow’s been caning it up, palling about with super dodgy guys and abusing their office. This is just a really weak attempt to distract from the whole Purcell debacle. Take some friendly advice Jim; if you really want to upstage Purcellgate, then you’re gonnae need to check into rehab, disappear for three hours, come back covered in Llama shit and then run away to Antartica to live with the penguins.

* For more info and to help out with stopping this totally stupid plan, join the Facebook group here.

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Cancel your weekend jaunt to the Maldives SSY readers, those mindless militants have only gone and ruined everyone’s holiday – British Airways cabin crew are going ahead with strike action after the collapse of talks. The strike by BA workers was originally called last year, and was due to occur during Christmas/New Year. That strike was ruled illegal by a High Court because it was believed ex-BA workers would have been allowed a vote. This was despite the vote being won by a massive margin on a massive turnout, and the fact that no MP, MEP, Councillor or any other elected official is disqualified despite the potential of inaccurate electoral lists, and their mandate being far smaller than for the BA strike. The BA workers union, UNITE the largest union in the UK has rescheduled strikes for this weekend – but has itself also been dragged into a political storm.

After the Tories were exposed for taking money from a Lord who has not been paying tax in the UK, David Cameron believes he can deflect the criticism he has faced by attacking Labour for it’s links with UNITE. As the largest union in the country, UNITE has donated £11 million to the Labour Party, and sponsors hundreds of MP’s as well as providing assistance during election campaigns for Labour. The Tories are playing to their middle England base – the same base that was wooed by Blairism – that New Labour is over, and Labour has returned to its left wng trade union roots.

If only. If UNITE have Labour in its grip, they certainly aren’t squeezing where they should be. The only statements from the Labour government on the dispute have not been ones of support, nor even neutrality. Both Gordon Brown and Lord Adonis have attacked the strike, as bad for UNITE, BA and “the national interest”.

No Labour minister has spoke out on UNITE’s willingness to compromise. UNITE were willing to accept an offer put forward by BA and call off the strikes, but this offer was taken off the table by management. The unions members have already worked for free for a month, and have outlined the sacrifices they are prepared to make for BA. What the union is unprepared to do is to accept an imposed settlement from BA – one that freezes pay for 2 years and will reduce staff on flights. BA are also planning on introducing new terms for fresh staff, which will mean they will earn substantially less than current cabin crew. This will not only attack the wages of BA staff but reduce customer service on flights. BA say these changes are necessary due to the losses BA made last year, of £342 million. The unions desire to strike against this background has raised concerns from media pundits that the strike is suicidal. However a mix of Walshs cuts and union sacrifices means BA is sitting on £2 billion, enough to keep the company afloat despite strikes. Also, both BA management and the anti-union press and politicians did not appear to be very concerned for BA’s future when the company was fined a massive £270 million for price fixing. This criminality did not of course result in Walsh facing any threat to his job, despite the fact that without this fine BA would not have to make such cuts to staff and conditions.

The unions willingness to negotiate means nothing to Willie Walsh however, because it is becoming increasingly clear that the aim of the dispute for BA management is not simply enforcing changes to pay and staff, but to remove the unions influence and power. Willie Walsh himself was a former trade unionist from the Irish Airlines Pilots Association, so is aware of the power an organised workforce has. In a union magazine he is on record saying “A reasonable man gets nowhere in negotiations”. Walsh upheld his motto well during his defection from union rep to managament in Aer Lingus. His management of the company was was disastrous for many of its staff – his lack of “reason” allowed him to go very far indeed.

In management at Aer Lingus Walsh attacked trade unions and slashed thousands of jobs. He was condemned by no other than Irish Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, when he said that Walsh’s running of Aer Lingus was a time “when the management wanted to steal the assets for themselves through a management buy out, shafting staff interests”. When Bertie Ahern accuses you of being a dodgy spiv, he’s probably on to something given his own experience of being one himself.

Walsh’s plans are to maintain BA’s image as a “premium” airline, but without “premium” pay for the staff. His ultimate aim is to smash the UNITE union so he can downgrade pay to the levels present in Ryanair, Easyjet, Virgin etc, where the cabin crew earns substantially less. BA, the Tories and their allies in the press have made a hue and cry of the fact that BA wages for cabin crew are higher than in other airlines – but then again, the fares for BA are higher than these budget airlines. A more important point however is this – so what if BA cabin crew get more than budget airline equivalents? Ultimately, its the cabin crew (along with thousands of other workers) who keep BA going, not its shareholders or its management, with its incompetent criminal attempts to rig prices.

The facts are simple – if you are in a union, on average you will have better pay, better conditions, and increased job security. Those basic facts stand up against propaganda that trade unionism is like flares and disco music – best kept in the 70’s. Any reduction in BA workers conditions won’t improve wages for Ryanair cabin crew or customer service. All it will do is increase the profits for Willie Walsh and BA’s shareholders.

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Yeah Baby!

Looking for a quick way to raise some extra cash? Have you ever considered lying to the world and then sending over a million innocent civilians and British soldiers to their deaths? Because it’s really pretty lucrative in the long run.

Former Prime Monster Tony Blair has been raking it in since he moved out of Downing Street. Embarrassing details have just emerged of just how much he’s made as a result of the war in Iraq that he helped start, so embarrassing that he’s fought to keep them secret for nearly two years.

South Korean oil consortium UI energy paid Tony Blair for a major consultancy as part of their efforts to increase their already massive interest in the oil fields of Kurdistan (in Northern Iraq.)

On top of that, the Kuwaiti royal family have been paying him £1 million to advise them. Kuwait has been in the news recently for the massive fines imposed by a court on a parliamentarian and journalists for criticising the PM. Incidentally, the Prime Minister in Kuwait has to be a member of the Royal Family, and is selected by the Emir.

Blair also makes huge sums through consultancies to a range of governments (mostly in the Middle East), as well as public speaking appearances. And of course, let’s not forget the £63, 468 pension and office allowance of £84, 000 a year that is paid for by the UK taxpayer!

All in all it’s estimated he’s made about £20 million since leaving office.

But most shocking is that starting a war for oil has ended up being so personally lucrative for Blair. If you were in any doubt that the war in Iraq was all about oil, just look at how closely personally he’s been working with oil companies.

The autonomous region of Kurdistan in Iraq is one of the most closely allied areas with US/UK forces. The Iraqi government in Baghdad has been angered by separate deals struck by Kurdish authorities with foreign companies like UI energy.

UI boasts of its links with prominent figures, such as former Australian prime minister Bob Hawke, US Congressman Stephen J Solarz, the former US secretary of defence Frank C Carlucci, and US commander for the Middle East General John P Abizaid.

The contacts and influence Blair built up in the US and throughout the corrupt US-backed regimes in the Middle East have helped him get rich.

And what’s more, Blair knew how embarrassing this would be when it came out, and so asked the advisory committee on business appointments (which monitors top government officials work when they leave office) to keep it secret for 20 months. He claimed this was because of “market sensitivities”, but after he asked for yet another extension of how long his deal with UI was kept secret, the

"FFS, I told you not tell anyone about my business!"

committee lost patience.

When we marched against the war, with slogans like ‘No war for Oil!’, many people pictured faceless oil corporations. But in fact it’s now clear that the people at the heart of the war, the ones with blood on their hands, like Tony Blair, personally had a huge interest in it. Put simply, Tony Blair killed over a million people to make himself rich. He’s responsible for the crime of the century, and should be put on trial as a mass murdering war criminal.

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Jack Irvine contemplates 16 year old boys' bottoms

(With additional reporting by Sarah, Liam T, and Neevvy.)

Regular readers will know that Leftfield has carried the best coverage of Purcellgate in the Scottish media.

Leftfield favourite Purcell is now reported to have fled Scotland. In his absence he’s left behind a high powered and expensive team of lawyers and PR men to make sure that no one could ever allege he’s done anything dodgy. And that’s because he totally hasn’t, honest.

Heading the team is former editor of the Scottish Sun Jack Irvine. Now a PR consultant specialising in “crisis management” (what crisis?), he’s also been notable as a leading behind-the-scenes campaigner for organised homophobia.

Irvine was one of the main men behind the Keep the Clause campaign, which tried to stop the Scottish Parliament repealing a homophobic law that prevented schools from “promoting homosexuality.” Introduced by the Thatcher government in the 80’s, the real aim of this stone age legislation was to prevent children being able to learn about the possibility of being gay in sex education classes.

When MSPs finally got round to abolishing this nonsense, a powerful coalition of some of Scotland’s leading capitalists came together to try and defend legalised homophobia. The most famous of course was Brian Souter, head of Stagecoach buses, who got rich by cutting routes and driving rivals out of business. He’s also most notable for being Scotland’s most famous homophobe, as well as having donated £500,000 to the SNP just before their election to government in 2007.

But others involved in the Keep the Clause group included founder of the Sports Division stores and Scotland’s richest man Tom Hunter; Kwik Fit founder and multi-millionaire Sir Tom Farmer; Souter’s sister and Scotland’s richest woman Ann Gloag (who at one point was richer than the Queen); David Moulsdale the owner of Optical Express; and former head of Strathclyde Police, and then Metropolitan Police Commissioner under Thatcher Sir David McNee.

Many of these individuals also used Jack Irvine personally for their own PR. Irvine, who once described gay men as “Slobbering queers who want to get their hands on 16 year-old boys’ bottoms,” in the Scottish Daily Mirror, seemed the natural choice to run a political campaign of right wing homophobia on behalf of all these powerful Scottish figures.

The campaign was ultimately a failure, despite the attempts of Irvine and crew to engineer a fake “referendum”. Around 70% of Scots who received the ballots for this put them where Keep the Clause’s politics belonged-the bin.

Soapy Souter gets to grips with the "gay problem"

Irvine has found other ways to express his homophobia during the course of his career. In 1999, when Bank of Scotland announced a major business deal with rich televangelist, homophobe and general right wing bastard Pat ‘Knobhead’ Robertson, Irvine was on the front line defending BoS from gay rights protests. He also used a column in the Scottish Daily Mirror to peddle hate on a regular basis, such as this gem on the decision to equalise the age of consent for gay and straight 16 year olds:

“A pretty young boy of 16 can’t vote for his local MP, but he can now be buggered by him… So equality is the key, is it? In that case, shouldn’t 16-year-olds get the vote, be eligible to become, say, policemen? No? Why not? Because they’re not mature enough. But they are deemed mature enough to be bum chums for sleazy old pervs.”

But what keeps Irvine in sharp suits is his work for PR company Media House, which he founded in 1991, and which has helped him to the position where he’s been described as “Scotland’s answer to Max Clifford.” According to his biography page on the Media House website:

“Irvine specialises in international litigation and is a founding partner of Tactical Response, a confidential consultancy that advises boards on sensitive matters such as extortion, terrorism, fraud and abduction. They are operational on a global scale.”

That global reach will come in handy now that sources close to Purcell have indicated that “Mr Purcell has left the politics of Glasgow behind and is now resting and recuperating in the sun.” Leaving aside whether, as the former top man in the city, Purcell bears any responsibility for Glaswegian politics being a “mire”, we hope that as and when he does return to Scottish politics he’ll be refreshed by his experience on holiday. Indeed, he may even be able to recommend time on a beach for others with a chemical dependency stress and exhaustion. Most people with the same kinds of problems aren’t able to afford to recuperate in the sun, and find themselves in much less attractive surroundings. We hope Purcell one day finds the time to try and change the scapegoating and lack of support for people who may or may not allegedly have drug problems.

We also hope it’ll give him time to reflect on the contradiction of an out gay man employing such a notorious homophobe to defend him. Indeed, Irvine, who has used the infamous “but I have gay friends!” defence against accusations of homophobia, likes to claim his relationship with Purcell proves he isn’t a bigot.

According to another source “”Steven has always had an interest in the southern hemisphere and it is thought he might be spending some time there.” This mysterious and cryptic statement leads on to our bonus feature, Leftfield’s new favourite guessing game:

WHERE IS STEVEN PURCELL?

So, we can take out 50% of planet Earth from the equation. What options does that leave us with? Leftfield offers a few suggestions:

#Perhaps Stephen has hotfooted it over to Australia. He is rumoured to be about to surface on the new series of I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! where he will surely be a Glaswegian viewer favourite for those gruesome bushtucker trials. It’s possible that he’s been receiving advice from former contestants such as Daniella Westbrook (insert comment about deviated septums), Peter Andre (on how to revive a flagging career) and Brian Harvey, a man who knows all about addiction, since the day that he ate 47 baked potatoes and then accidentally ran himself over. It’s quite likely. Just sayin’.

#Maybe he’s in Colombia. Colombia is a lush and beautiful country, straddling the cool blue of the Caribbean Sea and the Pacific Ocean. To the north lie the impressive Andes mountains. To the south, the mystery and allure of the Amazon Jungle.

Steven P hangin' in Medellin

For the people of Colombia, Steven Purcell could certainly offer the wisdom of his extensive public service experience to assist with Colombian issues, for example he might be able to assist with a number of aspects of the Colombian exports system – agriculture, quality control, product testing… We know that Steven has been welcomed with open arms by several political organisations in the country who have received his direct financial support in the past. He is said to be keen to try out those local delicacies that have not yet reached the nutritionally challenged streets of Glasgow.

Colombian superstar Shakira was earlier overheard welcoming Purcell to her homeland, going as far as to say “Phwoar, I saw him earlier and I can tell you, even if he has lied about those SPT expenses, sure as hell his hips don’t lie”.*

*Shakira did not actually say this. Probably.

#This one may be a long shot, but you can’t deny that Antarctica IS completely covered in white powder…

So where is Steven? The first correct answer on a postcard will receive 1 dildo, slightly used, courtesy of Brian Souter.

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The outcome of government policy

At the coming election the three major UK parties will work hard to convince you that there’s a big difference between them, and that they deserve your vote more than others.

But Labour, the Tories and the Lib Dems are all united in their desire to make the internet shite. The government’s Digital Economy Bill looks like it will be rushed through parliament before the election because it’s supported by all the major parties.

The bill is a spectacular example of political knobhead-ery. It is a dogs dinner of law, aimed at helping massive entertainment corporations continue to rake in profits at our expense, and potentially limit our access to controversial information online. It shows just how much our political process is controlled by powerful companies that are beyond democratic oversight.

The bill proposes a “three strikes” rule, so that those accused of illegal filesharing more than three times will have their internet connections cut off. That means you, looking for things you wouldn’t otherwise see or hear on megaupload or Pirate Bay. This kind of harmless activity would lead to you being deprived of everything that we use the internet at home for, an increasingly important part of most young people’s lives. A majority of the world’s population now regard access to the internet as a fundamental human right, and are supported in this by the UN.

Let’s be clear-being able to get things for free on the internet is one of the greatest advances of the modern age. Being one of the oldest members of SSY, I can tell you that kids today don’t know they’re born. I remember the days when if you wanted to hear new music you had to save up to maybe buy one CD in a month. Every once in a while you might get a new video, and you were stuck with whatever council telly decided you got to watch. The Dark Ages of Entertainment in other words. Today, that’s all different, and the ability for cultural participation is enhanced unimaginably compared to what it was like growing up in the 90s.

But of course this presents the capitalist market with a problem. Propaganda on the issue of filesharing likes to try and make us think of some poor impoverished artist somewhere struggling by as we take away their livelihood. But we all know that the people who have really suffered are the culture industry, the massive entertainment corporations who monopolise the rights to the works of others so they can parasite off their creativity. These people have now pushed the government into putting forward a law that aims to reduce filesharing by 70%.

But it doesn’t stop there. Anyone providing internet access is to be made responsible for the actions of those using it. What that effectively means is that we’ll probably see the end of wee cafes providing wi fi access, as the government forces them to keep detailed records of what every single customer does, an unbearable burden for small businesses. Community centres, libraries and universities will face the same obligations. The government recognises that many universities already have stringent copyright protection in place on their networks, and wants to expand it. If you’ve ever stayed in uni halls and gone online, you may well know what this will mean-the possibility of arbitrary disconnection for doing things that are perfectly legal, and the internet generally being really slow and rubbish.

But perhaps the worst aspect of the proposed law is that it will make copyright law work like libel laws. Under our libel laws, if you write something nasty about someone else, they can take you to court. It is then essentially on you to prove that what you said was true. In other words, you are considered to guilty until proven innocent of lying. This has led to many ridiculous libel judgments, many involving politicians trying to cover stuff up. But more importantly, it means that unless you’ve got plenty of money and good lawyers, you can’t defend yourself, and so the rich and powerful can often stop things being printed that they don’t like.

Similar principles are going to be applied to websites under the Digital Economy Bill. Companies will have the right to demand the blocking of websites which they argue have “significant amounts” of material that infringes copyright. This could well lead to many people in the UK being unable to look at youtube, for example. Websites could be pulled down by their internet service providers without even knowing. In theory, these applications could be challenged in court, but only if you’ve got the dough for lawyers. The vast majority of small-time website operators won’t be able to afford this, and will just have to go along with it.

This raises the potential that companies could then abuse the system, putting up claims against websites they don’t like. The US, which already has passed some pretty shitey laws, we’ve already seen Microsoft try and block leaks website Cryptome from publishing sensitive documents through spurious copyright claims. In other words, this law opens the door to severe corporate censorship of the internet.

This stuff is all politically bad. It is pro-corporate bullshit, which has the ultimate aim of taking money out of your pocket and putting it in the hands of rich people. But on a more basic level, it will also slow down the internet, prevent some of the best things on the internet from continuing, and generally make our lives a bit more rubbish. With all the mainstream parties lined up behind this campaign for shitness, what can we do?

The Open Rights Group (ORG) is an independent campaign group desperately trying to pull together as wide opposition to the bill as possible. They’ve got details on their site of how to get in touch with the government to express your opposition, and for anyone who’s down south or could make it to London, they’ve called a demo against disconnection on Wednesday 24th March, outside the Houses of Parliament at 17.30. Also, if you join ORG you get a free signed copy of the novel ‘Little Brother’ by Cory Doctorow.

Across Europe (and around the world) the threat to internet freedom by corporate controlled governments has led to the formation of Pirate Parties, particularly in Sweden where the party has been very successful. In the UK there’s a Pirate Party as well, although it looks unlikely to have anything like the same impact on the political system.

For those of us who are socialists, it’s time to get wise on these issues. The right of the working class to get entertainment outside of the market system is well worth defending. Yes, there are some issues about how to compensate artists for their work, but already extensive work has been done to resolve this, and the amount of artists and writers who support groups like ORG shows that the drive for a crappy internet isn’t driven by them.

What gives me hope is that for over 10 years now I’ve seen the evolution of filesharing technologies, and the overcoming by ingenious ordinary folk of all the attempts by governments and their corporate paymasters to stop us doing it. Alongside the political campaigning, the continued efforts of nerds everywhere to overcome internet censorship and damage benefit us all. In the coming weeks, Leftfield intends you to bring you comprehensive guides to how to get stuff online, before the government messes things up.

At the end of feudal society, the invention of new industrial technologies helped make fedualism obsolete, and usher in the new capitalist era. Today, the power of the internet ultimately shows that the monopolistic capitalist market is out of date, because we as a society can do things better if we work together in a non-profitable, collaborative and collective way. It’s a glimpse of how things would work under socialism, and socialists should be at the forefront of defending it.

Bonus: SSY member ‘The Enlivened Bandit’ on the politics of filesharing.

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So apparently the original press statement Glasgow’s Labour Council were going to release regarding Stephen Purcell’s resignation described a “chemical dependency” of his as being the reason for his standing down. Of course, SSY is in no position to make any informed comment regarding such accusations. We can however, make informed speculation as to what the chemical dependency may or may not be. Of course we have to make clear that the chemical dependency could be one, many, all or none of these things.

1) Stephen Purcell is obsessed with making model volcanoes.

We all know someone who has fallen into volcano addiction. First it begins with small models, perhaps only the size of a molehill but eventually expands to the size of a back garden, swamping friends and loved ones in baking soda. The process of lies begins with an excessive amount of bicarbonate soda – all to be used in “baking cakes” which never seem to materialise.

But was Purcell a Volcanolic? Was his abscence during the Save our Schools campaign due to an obsessive desire to recreate Krakatoa in the bathroom of central chambers? Labour sources have revealed nothing.

2. Bunsen Burner fetishes.

Most times a bunsen burner is a vital piece of scientific equipment which should be dealt with caution in youth as a source of burny flames. However in the hands of a hardened bunsenaholic like Purcell the burner becomes an altogether more sinister piece of equipment.

Purcell could have spent literally days locked in his office burning various transitional elements, alkali metals and, given the correct equipment various noble gases. There is a time and a place for science but when the leader of Scotland’s largest council spends days conducting scientific experiments already extensively confirmed by various scientific institutions it is time for concerned families to ask questions.

3) Mentos and Coca Cola.

It begins as a joke – perhaps dropping one mento into a bottle of Diet Coke in someones front room at a house party, and watching as the room is covered with fizzy shite. But even this simple pastime can drag someone down the dark, souless road of an addict.

Did Stephen Purcell amass gigantic quantities of Diet Cola – up to 3 metric tonnes according to some sources – and subject it to mentos? Despite a lack of evidence, we can say with confidence almost certainly yes.

4. Fabric softener.

Take a look at Stephen Purcell. I think we can all agree he’s a well dressed man, ready to go out and do his best for the people of Glasgow. But did certain cleaning substances go beyond the realms of appropriate hygiene and into a murky world of fabric softener obsession? Did Purcell take regular half hour breaks from important council meetings to plunge his head into baskets of freshly laundered clothes, to get off on the smell of febreeze? Certainly not on taxpayers time and money, SSY hopes.

5. Distillation.

Distillation is essential for separating crude oil into various fractions which can be used for various purposes – fuels etc. But Stephen Purcells interest in this chemical process is rumoured to go far beyond either an amateur or even higher chemistry student interest.

Sources at Grangemouth say someone matching Stephen Purcell’s description has been secretly infiltrating the plant to oversee important chemical processes. Sources say that so far it has only been due to Purcell’s extensive obsession with safety that a major disaster at Grangemouth and several other plants has been avoided.

***

Of course we have no idea which of these chemical dependencies could be accurate or not, hopefully this has simply been an error made by Glasgow City Council and it has in fact been Stephen Purcells tireless fight against schools, binmen, and trade unions across the city which has got him so tired and exhausted.

After all, whenever SSY is exhausted there’s nothing we like better than having a sit down, cup o tea, watch a dvd and tell a high profile legal team to absolutely cut the shit out of anyone who even suggests weve been up to anything dodgy whatsoever like.

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Looking shifty: Steven Purcell gets the sweats

After the resignation of the leader of Glasgow City Council Steven Purcell on Tuesday, it’s hard to find someone with a bad word to say about him.

Even SNP First Minister Alex Salmond, who once told Purcell to grow up, has been being nice about him.

So where do you go if you want to see someone be critical of this knobhead? Most of the media are, today at least, keeping cautious about the rumours about his resignation, since it was announced by his expensive high-powered solicitors. We wonder why that could be?

The official reason for Purcell standing down is that he is “exhausted and stressed”. But last week he seemed to be on good enough form to go to a fancy dinner at the Hilton with Gordon ‘Citric Idiot‘ Brown and Rangers manager Walter Smith to raise money for the Labour Party. But over the course of the weekend, things changed, and word started to come out on Monday he was standing down.

It’s easy to see why he would be stressed, following a major scandal at Strathclyde Passenger Transport, the public body responsible for running the subway and other public transport in Glasgow. Labour councillors have been in the top posts at this body for a long time, but recently it began to emerge that despite SPT bosses’ huge salaries, they’ve been making ridiculous expense claims, which added up to £520, 000. Free junkets enjoyed by top managers included trips to football games, expensive restaurants, £117,573 in foreign trips around the world, and even a Neil Diamond concert (where they undoubtedly had a few bottles of Red Red Wine).

Back of an SPT train

When this all started to come out several top managers were forced to resign. How this is linked to Purcell’s resignation remains to be revealed. Relations between the council and SPT have been severely strained by the affair. Tensions haven’t been helped by the slow pace of building up transport links needed for the Commonwealth Games in 2014.

Almost everyone who has commented on Purcell’s resignation has been quick to praise his role in bringing the Commonweath Games to Glasgow. But was the successful bid such great news for Glasgow as all the mainstream parties would like us to believe?

The current budget for the cost of the games is £288 million, but of course nobody believes such huge projects will ever stay inside their budget. Meanwhile, the race is on to for property developers and lazy rich people everywhere to get their hands on land in the East End and other extremely poor parts of Glasgow. Many know that if they own land they will get huge payouts from public funds for them. And after the Commonwealth Games, the long term effect is likely to be a wave of gentrification. That means that new housing and investment will mean that poor people can’t afford to live in areas they grew up any more.

It shouldn’t surprise us that this took place under Purcell’s leadership. Before he was leader of the council he was responsible for Development and Regeneration Services. What that really means is that he was at the head of efforts to use capitalist economics to transform Glasgow, and make sure it has no future as a working class city.

Purcell’s other greatest achievement was completely pissing off parents across the city when he decided to close 25 schools and nurseries, many of them in less well off areas like the Wyndford. This idiotic decision has been fought all the way by the city-wide Save Our Schools campaign. The fight included parents going into their children’s schools to occupy them.

Many were asking themselves why there was a bottomless pit of cash for the one-off Commonwealth Games, but nothing for the long term educational needs of Glaswegian pupils.

The full story behind Purcell’s resignation will take some time to come out. The announcement that today he came out of a drugs and drink rehab clinic may be the first sniff of the truth, but it’s still unclear why he was there. We do hope however that his recent experience in rehab, surrounded by people with serious addiction problems, will open his mind on the issues surrounding drugs in Glasgow.

Say hello to our new leader, Glasgow.

Glasgow urgently needs more support services for those with addiction problems. But Scotland as a whole needs to take a radical new approach, and recognise that the war on drugs has been lost. It’s time to stop treating people with problems like criminals, and give them the help they need through the NHS.

Unfortunately there seems to be little sign of the Labour Party as a whole taking this on board. The interim leader replacing Purcell is Jim Coleman, a man who has made a career out of being anti-drugs, and opposed several different education and support organisations. Whether this stance has any bearing on his selection as city leader remains to be seen.

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This week, Leftfield’s government infiltrators uncovered shocking images of Prime Minister Gordon Brown as allegations of bullying were levelled against him, which we bring to you now. Please be aware that these images may cause distress to readers of a nervous disposition, or anyone who generally finds Brown, Cameron & Prescott’s faces to induce sickness.

(Click to see these fascinating images in all their glory)

NEXT WEEK: Leftfield’s intrepid Number 10 reporters uncover the truth about THAT ’special relationship’ between Hillary Clinton and David Miliband, and bring you the recipe for Peter Mandelson’s secret moustache.

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From bean to cup, you fuck up

The first proper oh-my-days-I-can’t-believe-the-BBC-have-finally-come-to-their-senses-and-given-it-a-proper-run series of The Thick Of It is nearly at its end. Gone, of course, is Chris Langham’s bumbling Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship Minister, and in is the unknown and unrespected Nicola Murray, played with a degree of empathy not usually associated with the employees of DoSAC by her out of Nighty Night (‘Hiya Cath!’). You get the sense that she is a regular person, your typical Labour backbench MP with naïve ideas about how she can use her new position to improve social mobility. Or was. Suddenly under the intense glare of the rabid media, she finds herself surrounded by aides she can’t trust, desperately trying to claw on to some sense of privacy around her crumbling family situation and unable to do right for wrong with potty-mouthed spin doctor extraordinaire Malcolm Tucker breathing down her neck.

‘The Gorbals Goebbels’ is back, just as sweary as ever, but this time there’s a palpable change in the air – with the government in a right pickle, he’s cracking up, and he’s not going down without a fight. In last Saturday’s episode we saw him reveal a tiny shaving of human emotion as he revealed to Terri – the highly ridiculed and slightly annoying Civil Servant who, knowing that she would be the only person there not experiencing internal turmoil at the idea of losing her job in a brutal and embarrassing administration change, and isn’t especially bothered about playing nicey-nice – “I used to be the fucking Pharaoh, but now I am fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit. But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit”. And when you hear him say something like that, you know exactly where this show is coming from.

Labour Ministers themselves admit that it is a cartoon version of the truth, but this series seems to have gone one further – it has a firm grip on the desperation of the outgoing Labour government, and you get the sense it is no longer such a cartoon. Tucker began as the all-knowing, all-connected Alastair Campbell of the Blair years, and now he is every Labour official still standing rolled into one hair-tearing, wide-eyed, foamy-mouthed lunatic finding himself out of the loop and out of control, claws dug into the side of a sinking ship, refusing to let himself believe that he just doesn’t have the power to save it. You don’t get the impression Malcolm is a selfish man. He doesn’t want the power for himself, although he relishes any and every chance to talk down the people that are standing in his way. What he wants is, by any means necessary, to keep his party in government. He probably doesn’t even know or believe in what they stand for any more, but he isn’t going to let that get in the way of doing his job. Poor Malcolm.

Things can only get shitter

This series has expanded upon the DoSAC team’s Opposition counterparts introduced in the excellent hour-long specials, made before the success of the movie adaptation In The Loop. Old Tory Peter Mannion, one of those types that believes in maintaining the integrity of one’s private life by doing what you want (but not dobbing each other into the papers for it), is the Shadow Minister poised to take over Nicola’s job at the next General Election. But as New Tory spinmeister Stewart Pearson revealed to Malcolm in the hilarious sleaze-off in the corridors of Radio 5 Live in last week’s episode, he’s not above putting old cows like Mannion out to the slaughter for the sake of the new party image.

Much like how Blair stomped on the Old Labour posse to reach the dizzy heights of Things Can Only Get Better 1997, Stewart brilliantly personifies the insidious, smarmy, cut-throat world of Cameron’s New Tories, even shitting on their own ‘old guard’ as they clamber over piles of bodies in the race to be first at the Westminster elections. Is this what the country wants for itself? ‘Knowledge is porridge?’ It’s meaningless, just like Cameron’s face – in the papers, detached from his roots and his party’s racist, anti-worker, anti-youth, anti-everything that’s not a briefcase stuffed full of money belonging to a CEO policies. His face everywhere, on billboards 20 feet high, telling you ‘I’ve got a plan, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Pah, and you thought you hated Thatcher!’ Imagine that when you’re trying to sleep at night. 20 years from now, we’ll lament the simple buffoonery and rib-tickling money-stealing of the Brown era, probably write it off as at least slightly better than life under a Tory government, as we cry into our milk-less cornflakes. Well, as we know, politics goes round and round in circles, making small gains and large setbacks and then doing it all over again it can never be perfect but the worst thing is that it never even tries to come close to being the right side of wrong. Imagine there was something we could do to fight back, to try and break the cycle, like, I don’t know, work together with honesty, integrity and a fucking-sense-of-humour for socialism and equality. It would be pretty neat if there were people out there trying to work towards that, wouldn’t it?

As this series draws to a close, Malcolm’s sanity teetering on a knife edge, we’ll have to wait to find out the answers to a few questions. How far will Labour fall from grace? Just how bad will the Tory government be for ordinary people? How much worse will it be for the disadvantaged many? What will Armando Iannucci transform The Thick Of It into with a new set of heavily scrutinised Ministers to take the piss out of? And where the hell is Jamie McDonald?

Well, until these answers reveal themselves, fuckety-bye for now.

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