. . .by wiping their handshake off on Bill Clinton’s shirt.

Obviously, one of the biggest annoyances that comes with being a woman in a sexist society is that people are forever judging whether your behaviour is ladylike enough. However, my real pet peeve is when this thoroughly irritating behaviour tries to pass itself off as journalism and not only attempts to make sure you are a paragon of femininity, but also tries to turn you into a raging fucking idiot. This list of 10 Things Every Single Girl Should Own, written by Amy Spencer, serial knobhead and writer for Maxim and Glamour,  is a prime example. Let’s take a closer look, shall we? The original text from the article is in appropriately womanly pink.

1. A fabulous photo of yourself

See, that’s what I want guys who I’m after thinking when they see a photo of me; I don’t think that much of what I’m seeing here and now in real life, but in this picture you are actually a lot hotter than I thought! Let me ask you, Amy, if a totally hawt picture of me on my fridge (at eye

level of course, since you know those poor men have neck flexibility issues and nobody at the house of someone they fancy ever has a wee look about to get an idea of them) is going to help me snare that man, then what’s going to happen if I have Halloween photos on my fridge and I was dressed up as, say, a convincing Mrs. Twit?  Is he gonnae ditch me right there for being a batshit bird gluing fictional character? SCIENCE!

2. A pretty pair of heels

Admit it. You feel like Maria from West Side Story (You feel pretty, oh so pretty…) when you slip on a pair of nice heels. The good news is that these days, you can transform virtually any outfit to make it on-the-town ready by adding heels to a skirt, jeans, cropped khakis, whatever. And no, they don’t have to be towering stilettos, even a pair of 1-inch kitten heels will make you stride a little more confidently. (Added bonus: the taller you are, the more cute men you’ll be able to see around the room.)

Wait wait wait. I thought this was meant to be a guide to getting and keeping a boyfriend? So why would I want to feel like fucking Maria from West Side Story? My boyfriend might get knifed to death, but at least my leg muscles are so tight they could snap! The last time I wore high heels was more than two years ago at a leaving do. They were really pretty and were the only thing I could find at short notice that matched my dress. The only problem was that I couldn’t walk in them. I spent the night propped up against the bar, moving no more than two steps at a time and feeling like I was going to fall off them. Going for a piss was an epic journey. Wear high heels if you want to, I wont stop you and wont have a go; all I want is this insipid ‘journalist’ to drop the semi-scary interrogation tone (ADMIT YOU LOVE HIGH HEELS, WOMAN!) and painting it as though I will never get anywhere with men if I don’t want to wear them. Fact is, any guy who wouldn’t fancy me because I don’t wear high heels is a total dick that I am happy to avoid. As far as I can see, it makes for a good shield against a subset of idiots I never even knew existed.

3. An Eminem CD

What’s one of the first places a guy peruses when he walks into a woman’s home? Her music collection. Good for you if you have an extensive one. But if all he sees is a stack of girl bands (say, Girls Aloud, the Spice Girls, the All Saints, Nora Jones and the Bridget Jones Diary soundtrack), he’s going to panic. Balance out your collection with one CD, any CD, by Eminem and you have no idea how relieved he’ll be. It shows you have an open mind and aren’t easily offended—and that’s music to any man’s ears.

4. A great pick up line…and a way to blow ‘em off

In this post-chivalrous period, we can’t always depend on guys to initiate contact, so prepare thyself with one simple, non-cheesy icebreaker to lay on that cutie who’s making his way to your area of the bar. Our favourite: “Hi. Having fun?” (Though a friend of mine has recently taken to asking well-dressed men, “Hetero, homo or metro?”) And in cases when a guy initiates contact and you’re not interested, better have a better blow-off than “Ummmm, no…” Our suggestion: “Sorry, I don’t think the guy I’m seeing would appreciate it.” Sure, it’s a lie, but it’ll let him down easy—without destroying his ego or making him think you’re a jerk.

I’m not sure I’d name her super effective “pick-up line” as such; more like normal human conversation. Also, her pal is a fucking idiot and there’s not much more that needs to be said. Where she learned that it was appropriate to ask a complete stranger their sexual orientation (before you’ve said hello!) I’ll never know. If I was a guy and a woman came up to me givin it “Hetero, homo or metro?” I’d be telling her that I was Anyone But You-sexual. As my boyfriend said upon reading this article “Apparently, putting moisturiser on counts as a sexuality but being bi doesn’t.”

5. A six pack of good bottled beer

A prepared single girl is ready to host and toast at any time. If you want to make a guy-guest feel at home and your girlfriends feel special, skip the mass-produced swill and try some of the more exotically-named tipples.

6. Bathroom Reading

What man doesn’t appreciate finding interesting reading in his sweetie’s bathroom? So instead of tossing out your magazines when you’re done reading them, toss them into a basket by the toilet. No need to go overboard with a stack of Sports Illustrated (if you don’t follow sports, that would just be weird) but consider The Week or even Cosmopolitan (hey, this may be the only time he’s a captive audience and can learn a few things). Or, just buy a book that’s made for the bathroom, like Schott’s Original Miscellany by Ben Schott so he can learn a few things about shoelace lengths and sign language while he passes the, uh, time.

7. A business card

After the age of 18, it’s no longer cute to scrawl your first name and phone number on a napkin and hand it to a man who wants to call you. So if your job doesn’t provide a card or you’d prefer one with your personal email address and phone number on it, then have some made up. A napkin he can lose. A card he’ll file and keep.

8. Earplugs

Ah, there’s nothing sweeter than a man who wants to cuddle up with you in bed for a long night’s sleep. Unless—SNZZGGHGHRRJJZZZ!—he snores so loudly you can’t get any sleep. Prepare thyself for surprise snorers with a pair of earplugs stashed in your nightstand.

Congratulations Amy. Two pieces of inanimate foam are the least offensive thing in your whole article.

9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial

Every girl knows she needs a gay male friend she can go to for fashion advice (a personal Queer Eye for Your Closet). But when it comes to relationship advice, you need another source. While your female friends may have good intentions, if you really want to know if you should call that guy, save the guesswork and go to someone who’s been there, done that.

10. A condom

Hey ladies, you know the drill by now. If you want to be able to have spontaneous fun of the bodily kind, you have to prepare for it yourself. You can’t always count on him to have something in his back pocket—or a 24-hour garage on the route home. (Your new mantra: If you don’t want it to break, you buy it.)

I’d like to give you a pass for ending your article with sensible advice, Amy, I really would (well no I wouldn’t but stay with me here) but it just can’t make up for all the total pish you’ve spewed above. Plus, you stick with your fake, overly pally and condescending tone right the way to end, and deploy the absolutely appalling turn of phrase “spontaneous fun of the bodily kind”.

So, Amy Spencer, for making me want to vomit more than I could ever eat, I welcome you to Knobhead’s Corner! TA-DA!

Starbuck will present you with your prize!

SSY’s reconnaissance man in the Netherlands, Thomas Swann, takes a look at the Dutch political situation in the wake of the collapse of the government, and the rise of Geert Wilders:

With the collapse of the governing coalition still very fresh in people’s minds, the Dutch local government elections that took place on the 3^rd of March were widely predicted to prove disastrous for the two largest parties. Indeed the Labour Party (PvdA) and the conservative Christian Democrats (CDA) lost around 700 and 200 local council seats respectively. In addition, the left-wing Socialist Party’s (SP) share fell from 306 seats to 250.

The repercussions of the elections began to be seen almost immediately, with Agnes Kant, parliamentary leader of the SP stepping down hours after the poor showing for her party. On the basis of recent opinion polls, the SP looks set to lose more than half of its 25 seats in the Dutch parliament. The party’s steady growth in the last decades has seen it become the main parliamentary opposition to the ruling PvdA/CDA/Christian Union (CU) coalition (like Scotland, the Dutch electoral system makes it highly unlikely that one party will secure enough seats to form a government by themselves, and so coalitions are made to allow a government with over 50 per cent of the seats to be formed). However, the SP’s tone on the issue of immigration, championing a ‘Dutch jobs for Dutch workers’ line, for example, has lost them support among left-wing activists.

In Nijmegen, christened ‘Havana on the Waal’ (the Waal being the river that passes through the city) because of its strong left-wing showing in previous elections and the large student and squatter movements that existed in the past, the SP’s share of the vote fell to just over 12 per cent. On the 16^th of March the left-wing coalition between the SP, Green-Left and the PvdA was replaced by a centre-left grouping of Green-Left, the PvdA and the social-liberal D66. According to Alex de Jong of the Dutch socialist organisation Grenzeloos, the SP lost credibility as a result of their response to the credit crisis of the last two years: ‘The crisis, the SP leadership thought, would force the other parties to renounce neoliberalism and move them closer to its positions. What is happening instead is that working people are made to pay for anti-crisis measures and that the SP lost its profile as the party of the opposition. A left-wing perspective in the debate about the causes and solutions for the crisis was barely visible.

Another casualty of the local elections was the leader of the PvdA, Wouter Bos, who had previously held the position of Deputy Prime Minister in the cabinet of Prime Minister Jan Peter Balkenende. Two weeks before the local elections, Bos’s time as Deputy PM came to an end when the ruling coalition in parliament collapsed following crisis talks on withdrawal of Dutch troops from Afghanistan. The PvdA had refused to support NATO’s request for a longer deployment (a position supported by the CDA) and demanded that the Dutch mission end this year, as was previously agreed.

Perhaps the most striking result of the local government elections, however, was the victory of the extreme-right Party for Freedom (PVV) headed by anti-Islam populist Geert Wilders. The PVV stood in only two towns but came first in one and second in the other. In Almere the PVV won 9 seats becoming the largest party with 21 per cent, and in The Hague they came out with 8 seats, second to the PvdA. While the PVV has not been successful in forming a ruling coalition in either town, their role as the largest opposition party does not bode well. In the Dutch parliament, where the PVV holds only 9 of 150 seats, they have already been instrumental in shifting policy to the right. The ban on squatting, narrowly passed with the PVV’s support, had originally contained a 4 month jail sentence for anyone convicted of squatting. In exchange for the support of the PVV, the CDA, VVD and CU agreed to increase this to 1 year.

Wilder’s anti-Islam stance has met with popular support. Two polls conducted in the last weeks revealed him to be the third most popular candidate for Prime Minister with as much as 17 per cent of the people backing him. In addition, the PVV has in recent months been repeatedly suggested to come out the winner in the general elections to be held in June. The party, of which Wilders is the only member, came second in the European Parliament elections and is expected to gain between 25 and 27 seats in the Dutch parliament. While this would not put him in a position to rule, any coalition without the PVV would be difficult. So, while Wilders may not become Prime Minister of the Netherlands, his racist views on Islam, Moroccans and immigrants from Muslim countries will pull government policy further to the right.

To get a picture of the kind of policy this might be, just take a look at some of Wilders’ demands: changing the part of the Dutch constitution that forbids racial and religious discrimination, closing the borders to Muslims, banning the Koran, taxing head scarves and banning such clothing from public buildings. While this type of rhetoric may prove popular with the BNP and the English Defence League (who turned out to support Wilders on his recent UK visit), there is as yet no figure in UK politics comparable to Wilders. His success has been attributed to his ability to present racist and Islamophobic views while distancing himself from extreme-right thugs. This is something the BNP is unable to do. However, the environment in the UK is ripe for someone else to maneuver into position and grab the anti-Islam vote and at the same time appear respectable and so appeal to a larger amount of people than the BNP can.

While the main political parties, with the exception of the D66, have been unable to properly challenge Wilders in parliament, anti-racist activists have come together under the banner of the Wilders Sluit Ook Jou Uit (Wilders Shut You Out Too) campaign. This grouping aims at building a grassroots resistance to Wilders and the extreme-right policies he supports. The mainstream parties in the UK are proving themselves just as incapable, or perhaps unwilling, as their Dutch counterparts in seriously challenging Islamophobia and a racist line on immigration. Ulitmately, they argue simply that their policy is better for dealing with the problem of immigration, rather than attempting to challenge the perception of immigration as a problem. Therefore, it seems that in the UK too, resistance to Islamophobia will not be found in parliament or on Newsnight, but instead on the streets and in the communities who are prepared to reject racist populism and stand up for the rights of immigrants.

Geert Wilders manages to make Glenn Beck sound moderate:

So asks the BBC, and then gives us a handy hint as to their opinion with the photo they choose to illustrate this feature. Why, it’s because their emotional lady parts decide who they’re voting for, not like strong rational men, and they will vote according to which candidate a babby takes a shine to. Personally, my ladyparts say that Baby Number 1 looks like it’s appealing to a handy grownup to stop Gordon Brown eating their head in one big bite, and Baby Number 2 looks like it’s disgusted yet fascinated with the almost amphibious slime covering Cameron’s face.

UKIP are the most successful minor party in British electoral history. Despite having no MP’s, no official backing from any major newspaper, and only 70 councillors UKIP were able to beat the Lib Dems and come third in 2004’s European Elections. Last year they went further, coming second and beating the governing Labour Party. Today UKIP send as many MEP’s to Brussels as Labour do. This is a formiddable achievement for a party that was only founded in 1993.

Despite this fantastic growth, there has been very little discussion or criticism of UKIP on the Left. This is despite UKIP representing a “radical” right-wing constituency, with MEP’s further to the right than most Tory MP’s and who would attack the standard of living of working people quite dramatically if elected.

Most concern on the Left to radical right wing parties has been directed to the growth of the BNP, who picked up 2 MEP’s at the last European Election. UKIP is very obviously and clearly not the same kind of party as the BNP but there is definitely competition between both parties for the same anti-EU, anti-Immigration, nationalist vote. This vote isn’t homogeneous however and there are important differences. UKIP attract a wealthier, home counties right-wing vote, compared to the BNP who attract support from much poorer areas in English cities.

UKIP and the BNP also have differences in how they view society should be organised; UKIP are made up of Thatcherites who are too Eurosceptic for the Tory Party but still uphold the free market and libertarian values. The BNP in contrast support protectionism for British companies – this has led to some on the Tory nutter right to attack the BNP as “Left-wing”. Farage, UKIP’s former leader and best known public figure says the difference between them and the BNP is that they are the “do what you like party” and the BNP are the “hang em and flog em party”.

Of course the biggest and most fundamental difference between the two parties is that the BNP is still a neo-Nazi organisation pretending to be a populist right wing one, while UKIP is just a populist right-wing party. UKIP doesn’t believe in the racial supremacy fantasies of the BNP and has no problems with ethnic minorities as candidates or members. It’s for this reason that it would be unimaginable (and wrong) for UKIP to be no platformed the way the BNP is.

Despite these important differences however, UKIP deserves a lot more attention and criticism from the Left than it has got. It’s generally been ignored by the Left as it is not in any position to control the Government or Local councils and because its not a fascist organisation like the BNP. However UKIP may not always be the eccentric party of ex-Tory Daily Mail readers, able to attract a bit of a laugh now and again with some Bernard Manning style comments about women or attacking the EU President as a damp rag.

UKIP’s potential danger can be seen in the man they invited last week to the House of Lords – Geert Wilders. UKIP’s leader, Lord Pearson invited Wilders to broadcast his anti-Muslim film “Fitna”. Wilders was also welcomed to London by the English Defence Leage, producing an unholy trinity of football casuals, ex-Tory lords and Wilders. This display was another example of the EDL are acting as violent thugs for ideas which are circulated and promoted by well heeled members of the establishment who are far more “respectable” than they are.

UKIP have tried to justify their love in with Wilders on the basis that we need to have a discussion about “radical Islam”. Time and time again however Wilders has made clear that his problem is with Islam, and sees no difference between moderate and radical Muslims. Wilders today is the most successful far-Right politician in Europe, and has a real chance of becoming the next Prime Minister of the Netherlands.

Wilders has made it a demand for any coalition Government in which his Party for Freedom (PVV) takes part, that the hijab is banned from all public institutions; meaning any Muslim who wears the hijab will be banned from working in or using a library, swimming pool, school etc. Wilders does not even attempt to cover his attack on Muslims by saying its about secularism – he openly says Jewish skull caps and crucifixes will not be affected by this law, as they are a part of western culture.

People should remember that the hijab is not the burqa. Unlike the burqa, which is an extreme form of Islamic dress worn by a very small number of Muslims in Europe the Hijab is a far more modest headscarf little different from a nuns habit. The hijab is worn by a massive proportion of Muslim women – banning them from wearing it is a clear attack on their civil rights. There is no practical difference between someone who wears a hijab, a turban or skullcap in how they do their job or use public services. They have been singled out because they are Muslims.

Wilders has also called for the banning of the Koran, and for Guantanamo bay style facilities for Muslims in the Netherlands. He is also a staunch defender of Israel – Wilders PVV is in fact interested with fighting a war against the freedoms of the Netherlands’s Muslim minority.

How far UKIP will go down the PVV road remains to be seen, but it is clear that they are attempting to win support not just from attacking the EU but now from attacking Muslims. UKIP have become the first party in the UK to call for the banning of the Burka in all public places. This is further than even the BNP wants to go – they only want the burka banned in govt buildings. Whatever criticism can be made of the burka for it’s attacks on women’s rights it’s clear that if UKIP are cosying up with Wilders it is unlikely they are banning it to emancipate Muslim women.

UKIP also need to be dug up by the Left for their hypocrisy on the issues of democracy and accountability they claim to uphold. UKIP have won virtually all their support on their largely correct attacks on the European President and European Commission for being totally unaccountable and unelected – but they see no contradiction between these institutions and having an unelected Lord as leader! There is no attack on the House of Lords from UKIP on what it is, an undemocratic chamber which has the power to stop laws being made by a parliament with elected MP’s.

UKIP’s policy on Scotland also betrays their Tory roots – they call for the abolition of the Scottish Parliament, an act that would return Scotland to the bad old days of the 80’s where our votes were irrelevant, and the votes of middle England would decide who rules Scotland.

After all as bad as the EU parliament is, its done nothing like force the poll tax on Scotland using MP’s elected in England – but then again, that wouldn’t bother UKIP much seeing as they argue for a “flat tax”. A flat tax means that everyone pays the same amount of tax for their services regardless of their income, which was of course the exact same principle the poll tax used. They also call for a reduction in the rate of corporation tax, referring to Thatcher and Reagan’s UK and USA as a justification. This flat tax would also mean less funding for public services, cutting jobs and services in order to transfer even more wealth to the rich. This “freedom” for companies to do whatever they want is part of UKIP’s attack on the alleged “social democratic consensus” at Westminster.

Both this flat tax and reduction in corporation tax would be another salvo in a war which has been going on for 30 years, a war between the richest 1% of the population who have seen their wealth skyrocket whilst the working majority have seen their wealth stagnate or barely increase. Alongside their cosying up to someone who is determined to deny public services and jobs to Muslims in the Netherlands, it shows up UKIP as being a bit more dangerous than their charismatic and dotty English Toff MEP’s suggest.

Right now UKIP are unlikely to put into practice any of these policies. Both parties of the radical right in the UK, the BNP and UKIP have major barriers to growth. In the case of the BNP it’s their racism and neo-Nazi baggage. For UKIP its being identified as solely interested in Europe.

The PVV in the Netherlands shows that these barriers can be overcome however. If UKIP and the BNP dealt with these barriers by dumping Griffin and other neo-Nazis, paid more attention to domestic affairs and founded a new radical right party along the lines of the PVV there is little to stop them from emulating Wilders success. There is clearly a very large vote for opposing the EU, immigration, political correctness and for old school Tory values that Cameron has had to cede somewhat to take the centre ground.

Such a party of the radical right would pose a threat to Scotland’s democratic rights, working peoples status in the tax system, funding to public services and civil rights of Muslims in the UK. Remember that the next time you see Nigel Farage guffaw on Question Time and ask if anyone wants to go for a punt and a Pimms.

Where would you say the man in the above clip comes from?

It doesn’t take a dialectologist to correctly guess he probably grew up in the Liverpool area. He’s Len McCluskey, assistant general secretary of the UNITE union, and the union official currently responsible for leading the BA cabin crew strike.

With the Tories desperate to try and make it look as if Labour is being run by the unions ahead of the election, and Labour desperate to try and out-Tory the Tories on looking anti-union, he’s someone who’s become a target for the right wing media. Both major parties care about the core of right wing voters from southern England who put Margaret Thatcher and Tony Blair in power, and are keen to shit all over the working class to get their support.

But the Tory smear campaign took a turn for the bizarre this weekend, when Tory Vice Chairman Margot James attacked McCluskey for his “Scots accent”!

“On the airwaves all day yesterday, that familiar Scottish accent that we’ve come to associate with militant trade unionism.”

James is a millionaire former PR guru, and a prospective Tory candidate in the upcoming election. She also clearly has as much experience of talking to working class people from north of the Midlands as a monkey driving a bus.

TALKING.OUT.OF.ARSE.

Cancel your weekend jaunt to the Maldives SSY readers, those mindless militants have only gone and ruined everyone’s holiday – British Airways cabin crew are going ahead with strike action after the collapse of talks. The strike by BA workers was originally called last year, and was due to occur during Christmas/New Year. That strike was ruled illegal by a High Court because it was believed ex-BA workers would have been allowed a vote. This was despite the vote being won by a massive margin on a massive turnout, and the fact that no MP, MEP, Councillor or any other elected official is disqualified despite the potential of inaccurate electoral lists, and their mandate being far smaller than for the BA strike. The BA workers union, UNITE the largest union in the UK has rescheduled strikes for this weekend – but has itself also been dragged into a political storm.

After the Tories were exposed for taking money from a Lord who has not been paying tax in the UK, David Cameron believes he can deflect the criticism he has faced by attacking Labour for it’s links with UNITE. As the largest union in the country, UNITE has donated £11 million to the Labour Party, and sponsors hundreds of MP’s as well as providing assistance during election campaigns for Labour. The Tories are playing to their middle England base – the same base that was wooed by Blairism – that New Labour is over, and Labour has returned to its left wng trade union roots.

If only. If UNITE have Labour in its grip, they certainly aren’t squeezing where they should be. The only statements from the Labour government on the dispute have not been ones of support, nor even neutrality. Both Gordon Brown and Lord Adonis have attacked the strike, as bad for UNITE, BA and “the national interest”.

No Labour minister has spoke out on UNITE’s willingness to compromise. UNITE were willing to accept an offer put forward by BA and call off the strikes, but this offer was taken off the table by management. The unions members have already worked for free for a month, and have outlined the sacrifices they are prepared to make for BA. What the union is unprepared to do is to accept an imposed settlement from BA – one that freezes pay for 2 years and will reduce staff on flights. BA are also planning on introducing new terms for fresh staff, which will mean they will earn substantially less than current cabin crew. This will not only attack the wages of BA staff but reduce customer service on flights. BA say these changes are necessary due to the losses BA made last year, of £342 million. The unions desire to strike against this background has raised concerns from media pundits that the strike is suicidal. However a mix of Walshs cuts and union sacrifices means BA is sitting on £2 billion, enough to keep the company afloat despite strikes. Also, both BA management and the anti-union press and politicians did not appear to be very concerned for BA’s future when the company was fined a massive £270 million for price fixing. This criminality did not of course result in Walsh facing any threat to his job, despite the fact that without this fine BA would not have to make such cuts to staff and conditions.

The unions willingness to negotiate means nothing to Willie Walsh however, because it is becoming increasingly clear that the aim of the dispute for BA management is not simply enforcing changes to pay and staff, but to remove the unions influence and power. Willie Walsh himself was a former trade unionist from the Irish Airlines Pilots Association, so is aware of the power an organised workforce has. In a union magazine he is on record saying “A reasonable man gets nowhere in negotiations”. Walsh upheld his motto well during his defection from union rep to managament in Aer Lingus. His management of the company was was disastrous for many of its staff – his lack of “reason” allowed him to go very far indeed.

In management at Aer Lingus Walsh attacked trade unions and slashed thousands of jobs. He was condemned by no other than Irish Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, when he said that Walsh’s running of Aer Lingus was a time “when the management wanted to steal the assets for themselves through a management buy out, shafting staff interests”. When Bertie Ahern accuses you of being a dodgy spiv, he’s probably on to something given his own experience of being one himself.

Walsh’s plans are to maintain BA’s image as a “premium” airline, but without “premium” pay for the staff. His ultimate aim is to smash the UNITE union so he can downgrade pay to the levels present in Ryanair, Easyjet, Virgin etc, where the cabin crew earns substantially less. BA, the Tories and their allies in the press have made a hue and cry of the fact that BA wages for cabin crew are higher than in other airlines – but then again, the fares for BA are higher than these budget airlines. A more important point however is this – so what if BA cabin crew get more than budget airline equivalents? Ultimately, its the cabin crew (along with thousands of other workers) who keep BA going, not its shareholders or its management, with its incompetent criminal attempts to rig prices.

The facts are simple – if you are in a union, on average you will have better pay, better conditions, and increased job security. Those basic facts stand up against propaganda that trade unionism is like flares and disco music – best kept in the 70’s. Any reduction in BA workers conditions won’t improve wages for Ryanair cabin crew or customer service. All it will do is increase the profits for Willie Walsh and BA’s shareholders.

Looking for a quick way to raise some extra cash? Have you ever considered lying to the world and then sending over a million innocent civilians and British soldiers to their deaths? Because it’s really pretty lucrative in the long run.

Former Prime Monster Tony Blair has been raking it in since he moved out of Downing Street. Embarrassing details have just emerged of just how much he’s made as a result of the war in Iraq that he helped start, so embarrassing that he’s fought to keep them secret for nearly two years.

South Korean oil consortium UI energy paid Tony Blair for a major consultancy as part of their efforts to increase their already massive interest in the oil fields of Kurdistan (in Northern Iraq.)

On top of that, the Kuwaiti royal family have been paying him £1 million to advise them. Kuwait has been in the news recently for the massive fines imposed by a court on a parliamentarian and journalists for criticising the PM. Incidentally, the Prime Minister in Kuwait has to be a member of the Royal Family, and is selected by the Emir.

Blair also makes huge sums through consultancies to a range of governments (mostly in the Middle East), as well as public speaking appearances. And of course, let’s not forget the £63, 468 pension and office allowance of £84, 000 a year that is paid for by the UK taxpayer!

All in all it’s estimated he’s made about £20 million since leaving office.

But most shocking is that starting a war for oil has ended up being so personally lucrative for Blair. If you were in any doubt that the war in Iraq was all about oil, just look at how closely personally he’s been working with oil companies.

The autonomous region of Kurdistan in Iraq is one of the most closely allied areas with US/UK forces. The Iraqi government in Baghdad has been angered by separate deals struck by Kurdish authorities with foreign companies like UI energy.

UI boasts of its links with prominent figures, such as former Australian prime minister Bob Hawke, US Congressman Stephen J Solarz, the former US secretary of defence Frank C Carlucci, and US commander for the Middle East General John P Abizaid.

The contacts and influence Blair built up in the US and throughout the corrupt US-backed regimes in the Middle East have helped him get rich.

And what’s more, Blair knew how embarrassing this would be when it came out, and so asked the advisory committee on business appointments (which monitors top government officials work when they leave office) to keep it secret for 20 months. He claimed this was because of “market sensitivities”, but after he asked for yet another extension of how long his deal with UI was kept secret, the

committee lost patience.

When we marched against the war, with slogans like ‘No war for Oil!’, many people pictured faceless oil corporations. But in fact it’s now clear that the people at the heart of the war, the ones with blood on their hands, like Tony Blair, personally had a huge interest in it. Put simply, Tony Blair killed over a million people to make himself rich. He’s responsible for the crime of the century, and should be put on trial as a mass murdering war criminal.

Lieutenant Colonel R.E.P. Spencer, who reckons his opinion matters because his career in the armed forces “brought [him] into contact with the sex-industry” has written to the Scottish Government regarding their considerations over amendments regarding prostitution in the Criminal Justice and Licensing (Scotland) Bill.

According to him, women become “Courtesans” to pay private school fees.

Thanks for that incredible insight, idiot chops.

Never mind that the average age women enter prostitution is just 12 years old and that 87% of prostituted women are heroin users.

You can read what he’s got to say for himself here.

(With additional reporting by Sarah, Liam T, and Neevvy.)

Regular readers will know that Leftfield has carried the best coverage of Purcellgate in the Scottish media.

Leftfield favourite Purcell is now reported to have fled Scotland. In his absence he’s left behind a high powered and expensive team of lawyers and PR men to make sure that no one could ever allege he’s done anything dodgy. And that’s because he totally hasn’t, honest.

Heading the team is former editor of the Scottish Sun Jack Irvine. Now a PR consultant specialising in “crisis management” (what crisis?), he’s also been notable as a leading behind-the-scenes campaigner for organised homophobia.

Irvine was one of the main men behind the Keep the Clause campaign, which tried to stop the Scottish Parliament repealing a homophobic law that prevented schools from “promoting homosexuality.” Introduced by the Thatcher government in the 80’s, the real aim of this stone age legislation was to prevent children being able to learn about the possibility of being gay in sex education classes.

When MSPs finally got round to abolishing this nonsense, a powerful coalition of some of Scotland’s leading capitalists came together to try and defend legalised homophobia. The most famous of course was Brian Souter, head of Stagecoach buses, who got rich by cutting routes and driving rivals out of business. He’s also most notable for being Scotland’s most famous homophobe, as well as having donated £500,000 to the SNP just before their election to government in 2007.

But others involved in the Keep the Clause group included founder of the Sports Division stores and Scotland’s richest man Tom Hunter; Kwik Fit founder and multi-millionaire Sir Tom Farmer; Souter’s sister and Scotland’s richest woman Ann Gloag (who at one point was richer than the Queen); David Moulsdale the owner of Optical Express; and former head of Strathclyde Police, and then Metropolitan Police Commissioner under Thatcher Sir David McNee.

Many of these individuals also used Jack Irvine personally for their own PR. Irvine, who once described gay men as “Slobbering queers who want to get their hands on 16 year-old boys’ bottoms,” in the Scottish Daily Mirror, seemed the natural choice to run a political campaign of right wing homophobia on behalf of all these powerful Scottish figures.

The campaign was ultimately a failure, despite the attempts of Irvine and crew to engineer a fake “referendum”. Around 70% of Scots who received the ballots for this put them where Keep the Clause’s politics belonged-the bin.

Irvine has found other ways to express his homophobia during the course of his career. In 1999, when Bank of Scotland announced a major business deal with rich televangelist, homophobe and general right wing bastard Pat ‘Knobhead’ Robertson, Irvine was on the front line defending BoS from gay rights protests. He also used a column in the Scottish Daily Mirror to peddle hate on a regular basis, such as this gem on the decision to equalise the age of consent for gay and straight 16 year olds:

“A pretty young boy of 16 can’t vote for his local MP, but he can now be buggered by him… So equality is the key, is it? In that case, shouldn’t 16-year-olds get the vote, be eligible to become, say, policemen? No? Why not? Because they’re not mature enough. But they are deemed mature enough to be bum chums for sleazy old pervs.”

But what keeps Irvine in sharp suits is his work for PR company Media House, which he founded in 1991, and which has helped him to the position where he’s been described as “Scotland’s answer to Max Clifford.” According to his biography page on the Media House website:

“Irvine specialises in international litigation and is a founding partner of Tactical Response, a confidential consultancy that advises boards on sensitive matters such as extortion, terrorism, fraud and abduction. They are operational on a global scale.”

That global reach will come in handy now that sources close to Purcell have indicated that “Mr Purcell has left the politics of Glasgow behind and is now resting and recuperating in the sun.” Leaving aside whether, as the former top man in the city, Purcell bears any responsibility for Glaswegian politics being a “mire”, we hope that as and when he does return to Scottish politics he’ll be refreshed by his experience on holiday. Indeed, he may even be able to recommend time on a beach for others with a chemical dependency stress and exhaustion. Most people with the same kinds of problems aren’t able to afford to recuperate in the sun, and find themselves in much less attractive surroundings. We hope Purcell one day finds the time to try and change the scapegoating and lack of support for people who may or may not allegedly have drug problems.

We also hope it’ll give him time to reflect on the contradiction of an out gay man employing such a notorious homophobe to defend him. Indeed, Irvine, who has used the infamous “but I have gay friends!” defence against accusations of homophobia, likes to claim his relationship with Purcell proves he isn’t a bigot.

According to another source “”Steven has always had an interest in the southern hemisphere and it is thought he might be spending some time there.” This mysterious and cryptic statement leads on to our bonus feature, Leftfield’s new favourite guessing game:

WHERE IS STEVEN PURCELL?

So, we can take out 50% of planet Earth from the equation. What options does that leave us with? Leftfield offers a few suggestions:

#Perhaps Stephen has hotfooted it over to Australia. He is rumoured to be about to surface on the new series of I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! where he will surely be a Glaswegian viewer favourite for those gruesome bushtucker trials. It’s possible that he’s been receiving advice from former contestants such as Daniella Westbrook (insert comment about deviated septums), Peter Andre (on how to revive a flagging career) and Brian Harvey, a man who knows all about addiction, since the day that he ate 47 baked potatoes and then accidentally ran himself over. It’s quite likely. Just sayin’.

#Maybe he’s in Colombia. Colombia is a lush and beautiful country, straddling the cool blue of the Caribbean Sea and the Pacific Ocean. To the north lie the impressive Andes mountains. To the south, the mystery and allure of the Amazon Jungle.

For the people of Colombia, Steven Purcell could certainly offer the wisdom of his extensive public service experience to assist with Colombian issues, for example he might be able to assist with a number of aspects of the Colombian exports system – agriculture, quality control, product testing… We know that Steven has been welcomed with open arms by several political organisations in the country who have received his direct financial support in the past. He is said to be keen to try out those local delicacies that have not yet reached the nutritionally challenged streets of Glasgow.

Colombian superstar Shakira was earlier overheard welcoming Purcell to her homeland, going as far as to say “Phwoar, I saw him earlier and I can tell you, even if he has lied about those SPT expenses, sure as hell his hips don’t lie”.*

*Shakira did not actually say this. Probably.

#This one may be a long shot, but you can’t deny that Antarctica IS completely covered in white powder…

So where is Steven? The first correct answer on a postcard will receive 1 dildo, slightly used, courtesy of Brian Souter.