Are you watching the Scottish Leaders’ Election debate tonight?

We thought not. But SSY plans to repeat our feat of last week by bringing you LIVEBLOGGING action of ‘Scotland Debates,’ and in the process doubling STV’s viewing figures!

Why are we so sure that there’ll be so few watching? Well let’s start the fact that all those taking part are absolute fucking mystery men.

Don’t get us wrong, the people who write this blog are nerdy about politics. But we literally have not heard of most of the people representing the “major” parties on STV tonight. You’d think that if you were pitching for people’s vote you would put up a face they know, like Alex Salmond. But no, all the Scottish party leaders are MSPs, and are not standing in this Westminster election. Quite why they still aren’t allowed to come and represent their parties policies is beyond us.

What this farce does illustrate though is the growing political gap between Scotland and the rest of the UK. Last week we watched Brown, Cameron and Clegg say they’d do a bunch of stuff they have no power to do in Scotland. We look forward to seeing wtf all these Westminster MPs are going to debate tonight, given they only have power over things like foreign affairs, broadcasting or drugs (as if they’d have a debate about that.) All the big domestic issues, like health and education, are run by the Scottish Parliament, so the government that’ll be elected in May has no power over them here.

So who the fuck are these nonentities. As we wait with feverish excitement (not) for the debate to begin, we bring you a quick profile of the participants.

-Jim Murphy, the Secretary for State for Scotland in Her Majesty’s Government. Otherwise known as a completely pointless job since the Scottish Parliament was invented. In fact what Jim Murphy does is act as the member of the government responsible for campaigning for Labour in Scotland. He takes this job so seriously he often confuses the city of Glasgow with the Labour Party, something Leftfield has commented on before. He’s a former student bureaucrat for the NUS, and a former chair of Labour Friends of Israel.

-Angus Robertson, the leader of the SNP at Westminster. OK, we’re on shakier territory here, I know pretty much nothing about him though. Some swift googling however reveals that in the expenses scandal he claimed £1, 119 for a TV, £400 for a Home Cinema System, £500 for a bed and £2,324 for a sofa bed. So we’re guessing he likes to relax with a movie. At your expense.

-David Mundell, the ONLY Scottish Tory MP, and therefore the Shadow Scottish Secretary, by virtue of having literally no competition. Apparently a couple of years ago he wrote a memo which got leaked to the Record denouncing the leadership of the Scottish Tories, saying there was “a simple lack of thinkers” and that they were incapable of coming up with new policies. We wonder what leader of the Scottish Tories Annabel Goldie will be thinking as she watches him on the “leaders” debate.

-Alistair Carmichael, who is allegedly a Lib Dem MP for Orkney and Shetland. Why we are seeing this man is a total mystery to us. Apparently he was once part of a successful campaign to ban a book which slagged off islanders. Maybe he burned the author in a Wicker man, we don’t know, we’re speculating at this point.

So, are you thrilled and exciting yet?!?! Below are pictures of the mystery men. If you know which one is which you officially need to get a life.

21.03-”All these questions will be directly relevant to Scotland.” Unfortunately, they will be answered by completely irrelevant people.

21.06-Murphy “A perfect storm has scunnered Scotland.” The man from the government said that twice.

21.07-Angus Robertson is going on about expenses. See above about his really expensive telly.

21.08-The mystery Lib Dem man has been a mystery Lib Dem man since he was 14 and has never been this excited! Clegg-mania!

21.09-The Tory looks like a creepy, surprised owl. He’s keen to stress it’s a British election, otherwise he’d be completely irrelevant.

21.12-Nasal Murphy wants to cut the cost of dole scum! “We’re committed to raising the national minimum wage”, an impressive promise of something that happens every year anyway.

21.13-David Mundell has waste in his system that needs to come out now. He should eat more fibre.

21.19-David Mundell sez that no other party on the planet apart from the SNP pretends there doesn’t need to be cuts. Erm, actually the SSP does! And we’ve actually got a way we could do it! Take the money off ur banker pals!

21.21-Shouty man is shouting at “the guy in the red tie”. Even the audience don’t know who these fuckers are. He wants the old jobs back, not new ones. Murphy is not however promising to employ him as a town crier or jester tho.

21.25-Lib Dem man says we forget 9/11 too easily. 9 a what now? “It would be foolish to set a timetable for withdrawing our troops from Afghanistan.” Yeah, cos there’s no real timescale to an unwinnable war really is there?

21.27-Murphy says that we either fight the Taliban in Afghanistan or we fight them here. Meanwhile, Afghan warlords are massing for an assault on the Piping Centre, because of all the anti-war traitors that didn’t want to fight them over there.

21.29-Is Angus Robertson chewing a sweet?

21.30-Jim Murphy has a war planning diary, but he will NEVER write retreat in it. Nor will he ever ring the Taliban to say he’s leaving. Presumably he wouldn’t need to cos as soon as our troops left Afghanistan the Taliban would take power in Scotland, like wot he said.

21.33-Mundell “If you have an independent review, you should stick by what it says”, especially if it means I get to keep my lovely lovely expenses cash.

21.34-Could a devious individual invent a new species of flipping? What will flipper the dolphin say about this new species and the MP scientist responsible?

21.38-Woman in the audience-”I understand what expenses are for, but the system is a joke. It needs to get sorted out. WOW, insightful.

21.39-Mundell is like a fat version of Ben from Lost. He answers questions in the same evasive way, with an undertone of menace. Or there would be menace if he wasn’t so unscary (personally, not politically.)

21.42-In a poll, what’s the difference between being undecided and not having an opinion. Were some people militant about not having an opinion, and didn’t dare want to be lumped with the people who haven’t decided if they have an opinion yet?

21.44-Murphy: “There’s too much squabbling in politics.” Maybe we should have some kind of bizarre electoral system where no matter what happens Labour will always get elected to most of the seats in Scotland, but it doesn’t really matter because all the main parties agree we need cuts and to give big business whatever they want. Oh, wait. . .

21.48-Lib Dem man gets excited: “HOW DARE YOU DENY PEOPLE THEIR RIGHT TO LOVELY CLEGG! THERE’S A THIRD CHOICE AND IT’S AWESOME!”

21.49-Insightful woman with the earrings strikes again. “If everyone just worked together we could have a brilliant Britain.” People like you elected Hitler, lol.

21.52-Did you notice how Angus Robertson had a funny tone when he said “Northern. . .Irish representation” to allude he’s going to be pally with the crazy DUP?

21.53-While they drone on, news reaches us by text. Apparently Murphy used to be kind of involved with the RCP, and thought the militant tendency were not left wing enough. We hear he was a hardline vegetarian with pro-Palestine views. . . Then he became a right wing hack chair of Friends of Israel. What a twat.

Is that it? God, nothing makes you feel like you live in a diddy country than some pish like that nonsense, or watching the televisual tranquiliser Newsnight Scotland.

Our reactions:

Sarah: “THAT WAS PISH.”

TheWorstWitch: “That was the worst TV I’ve ever watched.” (Please note, her favourite TV shows include You Are What You Eat and Snog, Marry Avoid, so she has low standards for telly, and even she hated it.)

Liam T: “Why wasn’t Nick Clegg on it? He’s the BEST! I wish he’d buy Arran so I could call him ‘Your Lordship.’”

Ever since the earth-shaking political atom bomb that was last weeks Leaders Debate – which SSY dissected in characteristic form – the polls have been turned upside down. Nick Clegg has almost singlehandedly taken the Libdems from third place to pushing the Tories for first. The Libdems have been scrutinised more than at any time for a generation, because they will now almost certainly have to be part of a coalition Government with either Labour or Tories if a there is going to be a stable Government for the next 4 years. And given the cuts that are coming, it had better be stable to withstand the flak.

The massive boost for the libdems is shown in the polls conducted for the Guardian. It shows the Libdems have surged 10 points ahead, are on 30%, with the Tories on 33% and Labour on 28%. The Libdems boost has come at a cost of taking votes from both of the other mainstream parties, and a smaller segment from the smaller ones. David Cameron has resorted to hiding in his back garden as part of a last ditch effort to fuck the Libdems. As rubbish as the Libdems are it’s amusing to watch Cameron and Brown panic over having to develop their arguments a bit more beyond “It’s that prick or me”. What is interesting – and quite shocking – has gone pretty much unreported though.

Labour are set to get the most seats in Parliament, despite coming last in these recent polls.

And although the Libdems are ahead of Labour and only 3 points behind the Tories they have a fraction of their support in terms of MP’s. This is because the Westminster Parliament works on a FPTP system, where most peoples votes are wasted. Also Labour’s majority in 1997 was so huge, that in order to beat them it doesn’t matter if loads of people vote Tory or Liberal in some constituencies – they have to be beaten in key marginals. That’s why the Tories have pumped loads of money from tax dodging exile Lord Ashcroft into seats they need to win to have a clear majority. It’s also why any Labour leaflet coming through your door (particularly in Glasgow) telling you to vote Labour cos it’s a two horse race between them and the Tories is bollocks. Scotland has overwhelmingly voted Labour in the past Westminster elections, and it’s been the votes in the South East that counted.

Nobody in SSY has any sympathy for either the Tories or Libdems – but it’s ridiculous that Labour can get the most seats of any of the 3 major parties with the smallest number of votes. It’s another reason the Westminster parliament is an undemocratic fraud, where political parties on a minority of votes can hold political power. Remember that the next time politicians wonder why young people don’t vote – cos the majority voted against Labour, but they still won anyway.

Nick Clegg has been reaping the rewards of being the only person in the Leader’s TV debates who wasn’t in Labour or the Tories. Yesterday, a yougov poll was released that showed Clegg is now enjoying almost the same levels of popularity as Winston Churchill at the height of his power.

But some are concerned that the popularity has gone to his head, as today Clegg sensationally claimed “I think we’re more popular than Jesus now.”

Speaking live from a bed-in protest to demand the continuation of the war in Afghanistan, Clegg claimed that he had more influence over kids than the son of God. He argued that the Lib Dems now represented the proud Biblical tradition of standing for several contradictory things at once, depending on who they’re talking to at the time. He also unveiled his fetching new Lib Dem robes he intends to show off at the next TV debate, whilst Vince Cable and other disciples listened enraptured to his every word and washed his feet.

Lib Dems have argued that nothing will ever be the same after Clegg’s performance in the TV debates, claiming he is the messiah, the only one true God-man who can cut spending, slash services and throw people out of work by spreading the gospel of the Lib Dem manifesto.

However, the remarks have sparked controversy and outrage from religious believers unimpressed by the new cult of Cleggianity. The Pope, desperate to distract attention from his own PR difficulties said: “I am disgusted by these blasphemous Lib Dem comments. I believe Nick Clegg is part of the same alliance of Jews, homosexuals and Satan that have made up all this malicious gossip about me.”

But Clegg turned the other cheek to the attacks, saying: “The Pope, like Gordon Brown and David Cameron, is a nowhere man. With a little help from my friends, we can work it out. Our message in this election is that we should all just Come Together, right now, over me.”

(If you have no idea what this post is about, you might want to check this. Additional images by Liam T.)

Faithful Lib Dems receive the word of Clegg

Lib Dem supporters in this election must feel like they’re dreaming after the TV debates the other night. The Liberal Democrats have had a huge poll boost, and are now ahead of Labour in people’s voting intentions.

Why has this party, seemingly always doomed to be an also-ran, suddenly emerged as an actual contender for power? Mainly because people hate Labour and the Tories. The incredibly undemocratic election system used for the UK parliament has meant it has always been a two horse race, and the Lib Dems have never really stood a chance of getting into government. So people have always assumed that however rubbish both Labour and the Tories are, you have to vote for one of them. The telly rarely devote anything like the coverage to the Lib Dems as they do to the big two. And when you see parliament on the news, Brown and Cameron are down the front battling it out and Nick Clegg is somewhere up the back being shouted down.

So, for most people, who aren’t that political, the idea that there actually is an alternative to the different shades of shite being proffered to us by the big two is quite exciting. This is the first proper look they’ve had at the Lib Dems, and it’s people who don’t pay that much attention to politics who are driving their poll ratings.

The problem is, you could stick anyone up against Brown and Cameron and they’d end up looking good. We’re all bored of the two of them, and someone else is always going to seem new, different, and therefore, good. But unfortunately, the Lib Dems are just as much a party of the establishment as the other two.  If you really want change from the mess that all the right wing parties have got us into, they’re not going to give it to you. Here’s a few reasons why:

Lib Dems are not against the end of the world, but they do promise to make it cheaper

1. One of the biggest boosts Nick Clegg got in the leaders’ debates was when he said he was against the replacement of Trident. A lot of people will have thought that this means that the Lib Dems are against the UK continuing to hold Weapons of Mass Destruction that could destroy life as we know it. In Scotland, the trade unions, the churches and everyone with half a brain cell are against the madness of nukes. The Lib Dems, unfortunately, are not. Their manifesto only says they’re against “like for like” replacement of Trident, and that they’d hold a full review in government. Nick Clegg has previously talked about how an option they’d explore is using the Astute system instead of Trident – slightly less powerful submarines, but still capable of travelling anywhere in the world to deliver mass death on the orders of Prime Minister Clegg. The idea that the Lib Dems are clearly against nuclear weapons is just not true.

2. They support the idea of getting young people on to bullshit work placements, where they will only be paid £55 a week, for three months. To give them credit, they do support ending age-wage discrimination, by making the minimum wage the same for all workers over 16. That is, unless you’re on an apprenticeship, in which case it’ll still be perfectly legal to exploit your labour for less than the minimum wage.

3. They want to start privatising Royal Mail, meaning the postal service will get worse, and posties jobs will be attacked, as Royal Mail goes further down the road of making private profits instead of public service.

4. They want to set up a UK Infrastructure Bank, that will continue the idea of using private money to build public projects. That is, every time we build a new school, hospital or road, some private investor will get rich at your expense.

5. They are “critical supporters” of the UK mission in Afghanistan. Having voted for the imperialist slaughter and occupation of Afghanistan, they now explicitly support the strategy of a troops surge.

Clegg wearing everyday dress from the last time the Liberals were in power

6. Like the Labour manifesto, they lump crime and immigration in together, tail-ending the rhetoric of the far right. In the debate Clegg seemed desperate to join in with the “tough on immigrants” chat, promising that he would force immigrant workers to stay in the one region where their labour was needed, meaning people can’t move around the UK looking for work.

Probably most importantly, the Lib Dems accept, as do all the contenders to be the next UK government, that we should pay for the capitalist economic crisis. They’re up front that they’re going to make big spending cuts, and restrict tax credits. They claim their strategy is to be honest with people about the need to recoup the money paid out to banks.

The only vote against this pish is voting socialist. All the capitalist parties accept the banks have the right to take our money, continue to pay themselves huge bonuses and make huge profits, while we have to suffer cuts to pay for it. For the many people who are looking for an alternative and are attracted to the Lib Dems, unfortunately we’re not going to get a government that stands up for us, even if they win. We need to start building up for a fight against whoever gets in, and strengthening our forces to resist the cuts. One of the ways you can do that is by voting for the SSP where we’re standing on May 6th.

Clegg: [klɛg, glɛg, glɛd]n. The gadfly, horsefly. Also known as Nick.
Definition: A blood-sucking beastie that leaves an extremely painful bite. Considered as pests for the bites that many inflict, they are among the world’s largest true flies. Found largely in the Highlands, northern and rural Scotland. Though they emerge only during warm weather and are extremely loud during flight, Cleggs are only heard or noticed during elections, 6 weeks after which most Cleggs wither and die.

Their bite can spread anthrax to former Tory voters; they are also known to spread worms. Cleggs can even penetrate light sweaters worn by woolly liberals, such is their ferocious bite.

The pain of a Clegg bite may mean that the victim is more concerned with assessing and repairing the wound, rather than finding and swatting the Clegg as standard practice with most pests.

Cleggs can only be repelled with the strongest pest repellent, or a good dose of Socialist education.

For more information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horse-fly

As you may have seen, James already has one electoral broadcast (750 hits and counting!), but here’s another wee video:

Raising the issue outside Anderston police station, Glasgow

Scottish Socialist Party General Election candidate for Glasgow Central, James Nesbitt, today spoke out against the banning of ‘legal high’ mephedrone, which came into effect today, Friday 16 April.

James, an unemployed 23 year old and resident of Govanhill, said: “Prohibition is a flawed approach. Experience has shown that criminalisation does not reduce harm. Leading scientists have spoken out against banning mephedrone, but they have been ignored by senior politicians.”

James pointed out: “Instead of listening to experts, the government has tried to browbeat them into propping up the failed criminalisation strategy. Policy is now being dictated by hysterical tabloid campaigns, rather than scientific evidence.”
“Banning m-cat will not reduce harm. Its production and distribution will now be in the hands of criminal gangs, who will benefit from the media-manufactured hype around the drug.”

Recommending a new approach, he comments: “A responsible strategy should begin with listening to the advice of drug experts: regulate recreational use so that safety is paramount. Focus should be placed on education, not criminalisation.”
“Professor David Nutt was sacked for speaking out against government posturing. A series of experts have also resigned over the rush to ban mephedrone, including Eric Carlin and Dr Polly Taylor. The government would do well to listen to the experts rather than be sucked in by hype and hysteria.”
“The war on drugs has failed. It is time for a new evidence-based approach designed to limit harm and take drug supply out of the hands of criminal gangs.”

The SSP is standing 10 candidates across Scotland and is unique in being the only party to speak out against drug criminalisation and in favour of a social health based approach to drug use.

The above  story was picked up by The Press and Journal (left) and The Metro today, while The Scotsman also featured comment from James. No sign of a hysterical campaign from The Record yet anyway…

WHO IS THIS MAN? Answers on a postcard to Lembit Opik's 'hash n honeyz fund', Transylvania

TONIGHT! LIVE! The SSY newsdesk brings you a blow by blow account of all the fucking THRILLING developments in the first of three US-style televised UK party leaders’ debates. What we want to know is, where’s oor Colin? He’d jazz the place up wi his funky earrings and tartan troosers.

8.35 – Gordon Brown is wearing a fetching pink tie, David Cameron looks like a taut scrotum, and some other guy’s crashed the party.

8.45 – All of them are being racist chumps with their bullshit immigration and asylum policies. What a surprise.

8.51 – David Cameron “I went to a drugs rehabilitation centre recently”. OO ER! Joining oul Stevie Purcell were you? He’s also saying “hardened” a lot, which is satisfying our childish humour.

9.01 – Gordon Brown claims the Labour party now support an elected House of Lords. WHAT’S THE POINT IN THAT, IDIOT? Abolish the fuckers. And the Queen.

9.08 – They’re all saying that they back having ‘recall elections’ for MPs when the public think they’ve got out of hand – a populist policy in the wake of the expenses scandal. This is of course something we could support. Of course, under a Labour/Tory/Lib Dem government the outrageous levels of corruption would lead to a by-election every single week!

9.09 – Host Alistair Stewart: “The Scottish and Welsh leaders’ debate take place on Tuesday.” Doesn’t matter cause we’re not real countries anyway.

9.14 – Cameron wants MOAR DISCIPLINEZ in schools, to keep all those pesky youths in check. Like it was in back in Eton, what ho old boy!

9.22 – “I’d LIKE to give everyone 250 pounds, but I just can’t do it right now!” – Nick Clegg. See, the Lib Dems can say whatever they bloody want, they’re never going anywhere.

*SSY newsdesk is bored. SSY newsdesk hopes this guy interrupts soon*

9.33 – All of them have the absolute cheek to try to sound solemn while ‘paying tribute’ to all of the soldiers who have lost their lives in the illegal war supported and implemented by ALL of the establishment parties, causing utter misery to not just those serving soldiers and their grieving families, but also all of the innocent Afghani civilians being killed on a daily basis.

9.40 – Nick Clegg – “We don’t need nuclear weapons to flatten St Petersburg and Moscow” – It’s called Leningrad you fuck!

9.43 – Cameron is rimming the NHS, aww how sweet.

9.43 – Nick Clegg “The government’s wasted some amount of billions on a computer system”. Well get Linux then, loser. Get wi the program Nick, teh internets makes the world go round. FREE THE INTERNET.

9.47 – Gordon Brown has literally said nothing of note. Maybe he is literally in Burma.

9.50 – David Cameron reveals a SHOCKING TRUTH! Apparently it’s not cancer that kills cancer patients, it’s the Labour administration! Nick Clegg says “we should all work on this together” – of course, he’s only saying that because he knows he won’t win. If he was in with a shout he’d be screaming “these fuckers will give you cancer!”. Yunno, under socialism, cancer will be abolished. Just sayin’..

9.53 – Dey talkin bout dis ‘free personal care for the elderly’ ting Gordy B has pledged. Scotland already has that! DEVOLUTION 1 – UNIONISM 0!

9.57 – “I admit that none of us have the perfect solution”. Yeah, we know. The perfect solution is socialism, obvs.

9.58 – Gordon Brown keeps sucking right up Nick Clegg’s hole. Oh Nick, you fine handsome lovely man, won’t you please form a coalition government with me?

9.59 – In the last few minutes, David Cameron has managed to use the words “lever-arch file”. What a thoroughly exciting man.

10.01 – Nick Clegg’s closing statement: “I have remembered all of your names, question askers! Because they are written on my notes! That’s how much I care, unlike those cancerous motherfuckers!”

10.02 – Gordon Brown’s closing statement: “I referenced Britain’s Got Talent, please love me? CANCER CANCER CANCER”

10.04 – David Canceron: “Choose hope over fear. If you are scared of us, don’t be! If you work hard, I’ll be behind you (watching your every move). I am never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie or hurt you.”

That was it then. Yeah, I prefer Tina Fey.

Just a warning, but don’t go anywhere near STV tonight. NICK CLEGG IS GOING TO BE ON IT. And Gordon Brown. And David Cameron. 
The reason:  they’re going to be ‘debating’ with each other, answering stage-managed questions from a strictly controlled studio audience (no clapping, no jeering, no facial expressions), in the first of three much hyped up ’leaders debates’.

This evening, they will begin by discussing ‘domestic issues’ – stuff like crime, health, education and welfare, followed by a competition in which try to out-right each other on immigration. All bets are off! Not to mention that half the issues being debated tonight won’t even apply to Scotland, given that much of Scotland’s domestic decision-making is now devolved to the Scottish Parliament.

Over the three televised debates though, one thing is clear: while Brown, Cameron and Clegg will skirt around the edges of the big issues, argue about national insurance increases, numbers of helicopters and who’s the biggest BFFL with Obama, they’re going to completely avoid discussing two of the biggest issues facing the country at this election: the massive public sector spending cuts that are heading our way, and the ongoing bloodshed and occupation in Afghanistan. The reason being, of course, that the Lib Dems, Labour and the Tories all have a consensus on these issues: that cuts which go ‘deeper than Thatcher’ are what’s needed, and that the ongoing war is an ‘honourable’ fight to ‘defend the safety of the British people and the security of the world in Afghanistan’ (as said by Gordon Brown in the Labour manifesto). Riiiight.

Not that you’d know it from the televised debates,  but there are thankfully other parties out there offering an alternative to the war/cuts/death promised by the mainstream parties. The SSP have been consistently raising the issue of the war in Afghanistan - a war that’s opposed by 70% of the UK population – and we’ll be continuing to try and make it a major issue at this election.

criminalise fat cats, not m cats!

Similarly, we’re the only party in this election that will dare to come out and oppose the criminalisation of mephedrone, which comes into effect tomorrow, and question drugs prohibition in general. As we’ve extensively covered on this blog, all the main parties have been quick to jump on the bandwagon to support the reactionary ban on the drug, sparked by months of tabloid lies, misinformation and pseudo-science.

Today, SSY comrades hit the streets to raise this issue, highlighting the waste of police resources and time that will now go into enforcing the ban on mephedrone – a market that has, following months of free advertising in the media, been put straight into the hands of criminal gangs. It’s madness, and if any of the party leader’s come even close to agreeing with that tonight, I will personally… rip off my own scrotum. Because that’s what people on miaow meow do apparently - I read it in The Sun so it’s gotta be true.