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'Lie back and think of England' – how bout NAW!
In case your usual pack of Durex isn’t quite cutting it in the sack, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Crown Jewels have come to your ‘rescue’, with a new Lavishly Lubed and Royally Ribbed product, designed to create “a better class of lovemaking” and allow the wearer “to live like a king for the day.” A box of three, regal condoms, to help you commemorate Wills and Kate’s big day.
Seriously, if there is one thing I DO NOT want to be thinking of in the heat of the moment, Kate and Wills are definitely up there. Closely followed by my Maw and my Gran.
This classy as fuck product apparently
Combines the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be, Crown Jewels condoms promise a royal union of pleasure. Truly a King amongst Condoms.
Now, if that’s not enough to make you spit your tea all over your computer screen or vom a little in your mouth, then honestly, I don’t know what will. Maybe, the fact that these are still in production whilst commemorative tea towels have been banned because “[They] want items that are permanent and significant.”
Perhaps I’m being a little bit too harsh? I mean, at least the Royals are promoting safe sex, right? WRONG. The fucking things don’t even work!!!
?’They are of course welcome to enjoy the supple latex and gliding lubrication of our products, but we are required to advise that they are not suitable to prevent STDs or pregnancy.’
So what the fuck are they for then? An ornament for my Grans mantle piece or a posh boy wank?
I suggest if you are still wanting to spend your hard earned pennies on any royal tat this year, you should spend it on something a little more useful. Like this:
'Dragon's Den were champing at the bit.'
have you actually read the whole website?
“England boasts some of the finest lovemaking in the world, with a tradition of coitus going back generations.”
“contains a triumvirate of regal prophylactics”
“Coming soon from Crown Jewels:
* Extra large Empire Condoms
* Extra strong Churchill Condoms
* Everyday English Cuppa Condoms
* ‘Saville Row’ Bespoke Condoms”
and in the metro, spokesperson “Hugh Pomfret” says: “since our prophylactics are designed as an heirloom product, we would encourage people to keep hold of them as a memento of a special national occasion”
now correct me if i’m wrong, but i *think* the whole thing may possibly be satirical…
’They are of course welcome to enjoy the supple latex and gliding lubrication of our products, but we are required to advise that they are not suitable to prevent STDs or pregnancy.’
I find it very fitting that the royal wedding to be commemorated by something as functionless as the royal family.
Then again, if Wills and Kate were to use real condoms instead, there’d be less benefit scroungers in the country. Which would make the right-wingers no end of happy, surely?
Yes. I have read the whole website.
And yes, I am aware that the article is meant to be satirical.
I’m merely taking the piss out of the horrendous amounts of memorabilia/tat that have been made to commemorate this event, and to drawing attention to one of the ridiculous things that has been produced. If the Royals themselves have banned certain things from being produced, then maybe these should be up there. It’s not like they’ve got any fucking use. You’re hardly going to place them as some kind of ornament on your shelf.
And Meghan I SO agree about the as functionless as the royal family part.
aye, but that’s the whole point, the condom people are on your side! the whole thing is so obviously a satire on the proliferation of useless, absurd wedding memorabilia, marketed at people who want to feel a wee bit posher than they really are. quite a good one, too. and i wouldn’t worry about the palace endorsing it, i think i read some spokesperson whining about how IT’S NOT THAT WE DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR but this is just A STEP TOO FAR and is A TASTELESS SULLY ON WILL’S GOOD VIRGINAL NAME. or something like that.