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Sexy women want your cock for Christmas

Men, we’ve decided to give you some handy hints on what to get your womenfolk this Christmas.

We don’t really care about any of the things we pretend to be interested in – what we want this Christmas is for you to find us sexy enough to give us the honour of pleasuring you.

So, please, buy us underwear – the more impractical, uncomfortable and ‘sexy’ the better. After all, that’s what underwear is for, right? Pleasing packaging on the sweet product underneath?

Bra company La Senza have also noticed that men are too stupid to know what their wives and girlfriends are actually interested in, and will need a little extra help – so they’ve come up with this handy new campaign “aimed at men to help them with their Christmas shopping”.

They’ve put together The Cup Size Choir – a choir of women, arranged by how big their tits are. Classy.

Firstly, how does watching a load of semi-naked women writhe around and make sex noises help anyone with their Christmas shopping?

And let’s analyse this video a little bit.

In the introduction, ‘The Notes’, each woman is introduced – by her cup size, of course (who needs names?) – and gives the viewer a sultry look of… well I think it’s meant to be desire, but all it really does is illustrate that if you are buying La Senza’s products, you are not buying underwear. You are buying women.

Ladies A, B, C and D are introduced standing up and facing the camera, whereas E, F and G are flat on their backs. – letting gravity give a helping hand in the illusion that you can have plus-sized breasts without a plus-sized body.

So yes, the being-in-naught-but-yer-undies and the lying-on-a-bed aspects made it pretty clear that the “singing” these women are doing is meant to be orgasmic… but who the hell sounds like that when they’re getting it on? As Jezebel once wisely said:

If the sound of our orgasm is getting you off, we’re probably faking it.

And as if that’s not enough, you can play along and interact with these sexy ladies – that’s right, those orgasmic noises of pleasure can be controlled by your touch. And each time you make one of the women “sing”, the bed they’re so strategically arranged on is pushed downwards, and springs back up – it’s almost as if you’re thrusting into her in the real world!

Some claim that the reason for the A – G musical notes/boobies ad is to highlight the fact that La Senza make bras up to a G cup, as it can be difficult for women with larger breasts to find a good fitting but still sexy bra. But, um, considering that most women with larger breasts also have the larger bodies to match – ie, they are beautifully proportioned real human beings – I would have thought that a campaign using stick thin models in their scants to try and make men buy sexy underwear as gifts would in fact discourage larger breasted women from shopping there.

La Senza, we’ve got a message for you.

1) Men are not stupid. Stop trying to make them second guess themselves. When we tell our male partners what we want for Christmas – that is what we want. We are not trying to trick them into failing by not buying the correct underwear set. If we want underwear, we will tell them what we want – and what size to get it in.

2) As mentioned above, if we want underwear for Christmas, we’ll ask for it. But the super-sexy-make-me-scream image that you’re selling is not a present for women. It’s a present for men.

3) The sound of our orgasms do not correspond with our cup size.

Now kindly fuck off.

P.S. Additional reporting by Brogan.

P.P.S. I know bra burning is a myth, but it is clearly a very appropriate image for this article.