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Here's a bunch of awful things we're totally going to ACTUALLY do
Al Qaeda recruiting sergeant
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS MENACING ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATIONS
Paul Chambers is a man who has suffered one of the worst reactions to a joke of all time. Back in January, sitting cold in South Yorkshire’s Robin Hood airport (no, it’s not a joke, it really is called that), he was frustrated that his flight had been cancelled by snow, and so tweeted:
“Crap! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You’ve got a week and a bit to get your shit together otherwise I’m blowing the airport sky high!”
In a spectacular sense of humour failure, this tweet led to him being prosecuted for sending a “menacing electronic communication.” As a result he was fined £1000, and lost his job. He appealed on the basis of this being the most blatant miscarriage of justice since they jailed Deirdre Rachid. However, the wannabe Judge Dredds refused to uphold his appeal, then fined him another grand, and also ordered him to pay costs of £2600!
This would be completely hilarious were it not for the fact for that it has ruined this unfortunate guy’s life – in addition to all this cash he’s been fined, he’s also lost his income. It’s a farcical escalation of the increasing tendency to employ thought police to monitor people’s internet activity and try and see terrorism from harmless jokes, writing silly poems or just being curious online.
On top of that, it’s also yet another example of PEOPLE WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND THE INTERNET TRYING TO CONTROL IT. Apparently Chambers had to explain Twitter to the police who came to arrest him because they’d never heard of it.
The outrageous conviction has generated a wave of solidarity online, with #twitterjoketrial becoming one of the top trending topics worldwide, then today masses of people putting up #IAmSpartacus. Even better though was the idea of the Left Outside blog, who has promised “I’m going to post something threatening every day until Paul Chambers is acquitted or I get bored.”
In a display of blatant joke stealing solidarity, we’ve decided to do likewise. We can’t quite match their level of commitment, but in this post we will post a series of MENACING ELECTRONIC JOKES in protest at this judicial clampdown on laughter. Several SSY blog authors will get the ball rolling, but we openly invite you to join in on the comments. We are firmly convinced that NOTHING CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG.
Behead this sick filth
I’m going to nerve gas the panto at Glasgow Pavilion because Dean Park’s gender bending offends my religious sensibilities and I want Big Break back on the telly.
Sarah is going to take every Brown Owl in the country in the hostage, unless every Brownie, Cub, Girl Guide and Scout in the UK becomes a Jihadi/IRA child warrior. She’s also going to take George Galloway hostage and force him to be the cat 24/7 and eat tesco value cat food instead of the Whiskas he’s accustomed to.
Liam T is going to steal 1000 police man’s hats, and use them as fuel to burn the transport minister at the stake cos his train was late. He’s also going to drive a mobility scooter loaded with semtex into the Sunday Herald building in protest at them only using a tiny pic of him being a student protester and didn’t use his quotes. He’s also going to take a shit on the servers that keep up Louis Proyect‘s blog cos he’s really fucking boring. (Captain Radical has a high standard of terrorism to uphold.)
Andy Bowden is going to lace cheesy wotsits with HIV because they contradict McCoy’s/Allah. McCoy’s are the one true crisp.
What menacing electronic threat will you make? More to the point, how long before the SSY site is down and we’re in Guantanamo Bay? It’s up to you, get involved in the comments!
I’m going to take the cast of Songs of Praise hostage and execute them all until my crisp demands are met. If I encounter any state forces I’ll just lay low, until I lose a few wanted stars like in GTA.
I’m going to take David Cameron hostage and put a live stream of him on fire on the internet until the Conservatives promise to Stop targeting the poor.
The Provisional Republican movement have decided to withdraw support for the Power Sharing executive seeing Both the Good Friday and St. Andrew’s agreements as abject failures politically, socially and economically. After 14 years of ceasefire we have seen no evidence to suggest that a united Ireland is any closer than it was at the beginning of our campaign. As a result we have taken steps to procure arms and explosives for a resurgent armed campaign against the British presence in Ireland. Volunteers on active service will resume enemy engagement as from 12am tonight. Tiocfaidh Ár Lá.
Signed,
P O’Neill
I will personally spit in every fiftieth burger served in the UK.
Menacing, but what’s your ultimatum?
I will disguise myself as a freindly and likeable politician who promises to focus on education education education. I will then sign peace treaties with the IRA, help the elderly cross the street ect ect. Then I’ll send us of in not ONE, but TWO devastating wars, using 9/11 or anything else as an excuse to stay there and eventually let the country spiral into debt. Then I’ll use 100bn to bail out bankers while our economic situation worsens, all the while I’m claiming MP expenses for last nights curry and my miniture golf course and then afer the countries in as worse a state as it could possibly be I’ll let some rich kid come in and tell the public that he needs their money. Just cause I’m a bastard that way.
Im going to put on my football boots and jump on david camerons face!
unless he fucks off the face off the planet
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/nov/15/charlie-brooker-twitter-terror-conviction
Charlie Brooker joins in the fun
I’m going to cut the plug off of Tommy Sheridan’s sunbed!
The monarchy has 24 hours to abolish itself, or I will eat every corgi in Britain.
I am going to get myself pregnant, have an abortion and post the foetus to George Galloway by First Class Post – every month until he stops his nonsense.
I just ate a packet of cheesy wotsits so now I will definitely get HIV because Andy said he was going to do that over the internet so it means he has ACTUALLY done it.
I am going to release a toxin (codenamed “Troubled Arse”) into every pleasant and happy place hourly until Jaconelli’s agree to give me a daily delivery of tattie scones.
How dare you steal my idea! I’m going to fillet you with a rusty spoon!
I demand an apology over this man’s prosecution. If it doesn’t happen before the end of the month, I am going to bomb the internet
I am going to infect one in every 1000 cupcakes sold in the UK with the rage virus unless the Queen lets Kate Middleclass ride her up the aisle like a game of Buckaroo.
Might do it anyway just to see what happens.
I’m going to bomb Friar Tuck airport
Unless the hoo-ha about Ireland’s potential EU bailout is ceased by this time tomorrow, I am going to kidnap the heads of state of every European country and turn them into a human caterpillar
I going to shit in David Cameroons handbag and fart in Nick Cleggs duffle coat pocket unless Nick Clegg farts in David Cameroons handbag or David Cameroon takes a shit in Nick Cleggs duffle coat pocket.
Just try and stop me copper!!