America to the Rescue!

Liar: Bassett pretending he looks ill

Why is the Lockerbie bomber still alive? This week Senator Robert Menendez, Chair of the Congressional Inquiry into why someone (or indeed everyone) isn’t dead yet announced plans to send a team of yankee investigators to Scotland.   This we can understand as it clear that protocol has been breached on this matter.  When someone in Scotland commits a crime like say theft or in the case of the accused, Bertybasset al-Megrahi being spotted buying a jumper (or another one the same colour) which was found on a plane, they are tried by a group of vote hungry senators in the run up to mid-term elections.  The only hope of clemency for those found guilty comes in the form of a Christmas pardon from our Lord and Saviour, Obama H. Christ.

Kenny McAskill chose to bypass the time honoured tradition of doing exactly what America wanted and instead exercised a strange form of indigenous justice.  Under this crazed system us savage Scots occasionally demonstrate that we have different values to those who seek to destroy us…or America…or is that the same thing?

Anyways understandably pissed off Menendez is sending a crack team to Scotland to investigate what’s wrong with this crazy country and what we can learn from our American brethren.  SSY meets the men who hope to save us.

Leading the group will be Frank “Freaky Sheik” McDeak (Dem.) Frank will investigate the disgraceful link between oil and political power in Scotland.  “This all came as a shock for me, I had to cut short my Saudi holiday…I was watching 50 virgins spray oil out their whatnots while I threw dollars at them…and now I hear these Scotch have been cutting deals in exchange for oil…America would never cut deals with those who tried to blow us up in exchange for oil and money.  The Sheik just wouldn’t have it.”

Perry: If you can't hang 'em - Shoot 'em!

Controversial Texas Governor Rick Perry (Rep.) is to investigate the woefully inhumane Scottish Justice system.  “Sure I’ve killed a few people….well a few hundred…and I’ve fired all those in the justice system who questioned my decision to execute a man who according to all my closest advisors and scientists was asleep at the time he is supposed to have murdered his kids…but these Scotch!  I tell you…letting someone go who allegedly bought a jumper, a strand of which was allegedly found on a plane that Iran Libya blew up…monsters I say…the lotta them!”

The final senator will be Hawky Pearson (Rep) well known international peace activist.  He is concerned by what he sees as a continuation of a trend.  “We should have seen the warning signs in Darien.  For centuries Scots have been dragging their junior partners in the US around on a series of imperial adventures.  They dragged us into their conflict with Libya then just like we sent our young men to die for Scottish oil companies in Iraq and Afghanistan.  I say no more American blood should be spilled for Scottish interests!”

We also understand that the Senators are to be accompanied by other progressive Americans concerned that Scotland is slipping into an authoritarian nightmare.

Pat “McGroin” Robertson, gay rights activist, is looking into allegations that crazy, Christian homophobes are funded the very same SNP government who freed the terrorist plotter.  “We believe some rightwing bus bandit may have influenced the Scottish regime with his insane ranting about the gays.  I’ve never been to Scotland but as I’ve always said there are definitely lots of homos there.  We can’t allow these people to influence the government.”

SSY preparing for the American Heroes

The group will be rounded off by asylum campaigner and renowned anti-racist Pat Buchanan.  He is expected to directly challenge the racism of the Scottish regime by visiting the controversial “Border Wall” constructed all the way along the border to prevent the flow of poor southerners crossing the border to Scotland to access free personal care for the elderly and lower tuition fees.  “I intend to deliver a message to the racists in Scotland.  I will invoke the spirit of Reagan and say ‘Mr Hadrien!  Tear down this wall!’”

In the US Mr al-Megrahi, convicted on, quite literally, a shred of evidence would have been taken out and shot thus saving the need for all these pesky investigations and all this pish chat about “the truth”  “justice” and “closure.” The SSY is ecstatic that these Americans want to visit our depraved nation and show us the light.

We shall greet them on the tarmac waving our Saltires and asking…Why isn’t Scotland more like America?