Andy Bowden displays his new toned physique. Not pictured, his iron penis.

After the success of our recent actions against the Scottish Defence League, it’s clear that the far right have decided to change tactics.

The SSY National Executive recently met to discuss the new situation, and our response to it as an organisation. We have decided as a matter of urgent priority that we must begin training our members for participation in our new combat wing.

From next month onwards, all new recruits to SSY will be subjected to a physical exam, and those not ready to begin training will first have to undergo a crash get-fit programme.

Established members have already been preparing for the new regime, although until now, the first rule of SSY’s new plan has been that you do not talk about SSY’s new plan.

But finally we are pleased to be ready to announce the launch of Operation Red Fist. From now on, all SSY meetings are to take place in the karate gym across the road from my house, and will combine political discussion with training in advanced fighting techniques. The mixed martial arts programme will include shaolin kung fu, okinawan karate and pint glass-assisted warfare.

As well as the threat from the far right, we’re extremely concerned about the growth of repressive policing of street protest. SSY believes that socialists have to to be ready to take on the cops and defeat them when necessary. And if we’re going to be able to beat cops, we need to be able to beat the best cops. Which is why we’ve diverted some funds from the SSP’s election campaign to travel to Taiwan and learn from these guys:

Several male comrades have been lucky enough to learn the art of Iron Penis are hoping to spread knowledge of the techniques to the SSY women’s group. BECAUSE IT’S NOT JUST FOR MEN!

However, female comrades themselves have been travelling and developing a number of our new fighting techniques. Because of her central role in preparing Operation Red Fist, it has until now been necessary to conceal the identity of LydiaTeapot. However, we can now exclusively reveal that in fact she is Uma Thurman, and has for some time now been training in China, prior to her return to Scotland for many a square go. Below is never before seen footage of her at Camp Secret Squirrel: China.

However, the most important development for our internal structures as a result of Operation Red Fist is the splitting of the role of organiser into a political role, which will still be fulfilled by Sarah “The Beast from the East” O’ Higgins. However, recently elected to the new role of street fighting organiser, we are proud to announce the latest recruit to Operation Red Fist is none other than. . .Weng Weng!

(The rap for this promotional video was provided by Bangers and Mashup.)

(With additional reporting by The Beast from The East.)

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