WHO IS THIS MAN? Answers on a postcard to Lembit Opik's 'hash n honeyz fund', Transylvania

TONIGHT! LIVE! The SSY newsdesk brings you a blow by blow account of all the fucking THRILLING developments in the first of three US-style televised UK party leaders’ debates. What we want to know is, where’s oor Colin? He’d jazz the place up wi his funky earrings and tartan troosers.

8.35 – Gordon Brown is wearing a fetching pink tie, David Cameron looks like a taut scrotum, and some other guy’s crashed the party.

8.45 – All of them are being racist chumps with their bullshit immigration and asylum policies. What a surprise.

8.51 – David Cameron “I went to a drugs rehabilitation centre recently”. OO ER! Joining oul Stevie Purcell were you? He’s also saying “hardened” a lot, which is satisfying our childish humour.

9.01 – Gordon Brown claims the Labour party now support an elected House of Lords. WHAT’S THE POINT IN THAT, IDIOT? Abolish the fuckers. And the Queen.

9.08 – They’re all saying that they back having ‘recall elections’ for MPs when the public think they’ve got out of hand – a populist policy in the wake of the expenses scandal. This is of course something we could support. Of course, under a Labour/Tory/Lib Dem government the outrageous levels of corruption would lead to a by-election every single week!

9.09 – Host Alistair Stewart: “The Scottish and Welsh leaders’ debate take place on Tuesday.” Doesn’t matter cause we’re not real countries anyway.

9.14 – Cameron wants MOAR DISCIPLINEZ in schools, to keep all those pesky youths in check. Like it was in back in Eton, what ho old boy!

9.22 – “I’d LIKE to give everyone 250 pounds, but I just can’t do it right now!” – Nick Clegg. See, the Lib Dems can say whatever they bloody want, they’re never going anywhere.

*SSY newsdesk is bored. SSY newsdesk hopes this guy interrupts soon*

9.33 – All of them have the absolute cheek to try to sound solemn while ‘paying tribute’ to all of the soldiers who have lost their lives in the illegal war supported and implemented by ALL of the establishment parties, causing utter misery to not just those serving soldiers and their grieving families, but also all of the innocent Afghani civilians being killed on a daily basis.

9.40 – Nick Clegg – “We don’t need nuclear weapons to flatten St Petersburg and Moscow” – It’s called Leningrad you fuck!

9.43 – Cameron is rimming the NHS, aww how sweet.

9.43 – Nick Clegg “The government’s wasted some amount of billions on a computer system”. Well get Linux then, loser. Get wi the program Nick, teh internets makes the world go round. FREE THE INTERNET.

9.47 – Gordon Brown has literally said nothing of note. Maybe he is literally in Burma.

9.50 – David Cameron reveals a SHOCKING TRUTH! Apparently it’s not cancer that kills cancer patients, it’s the Labour administration! Nick Clegg says “we should all work on this together” – of course, he’s only saying that because he knows he won’t win. If he was in with a shout he’d be screaming “these fuckers will give you cancer!”. Yunno, under socialism, cancer will be abolished. Just sayin’..

9.53 – Dey talkin bout dis ‘free personal care for the elderly’ ting Gordy B has pledged. Scotland already has that! DEVOLUTION 1 – UNIONISM 0!

9.57 – “I admit that none of us have the perfect solution”. Yeah, we know. The perfect solution is socialism, obvs.

9.58 – Gordon Brown keeps sucking right up Nick Clegg’s hole. Oh Nick, you fine handsome lovely man, won’t you please form a coalition government with me?

9.59 – In the last few minutes, David Cameron has managed to use the words “lever-arch file”. What a thoroughly exciting man.

10.01 – Nick Clegg’s closing statement: “I have remembered all of your names, question askers! Because they are written on my notes! That’s how much I care, unlike those cancerous motherfuckers!”

10.02 – Gordon Brown’s closing statement: “I referenced Britain’s Got Talent, please love me? CANCER CANCER CANCER”

10.04 – David Canceron: “Choose hope over fear. If you are scared of us, don’t be! If you work hard, I’ll be behind you (watching your every move). I am never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie or hurt you.”

That was it then. Yeah, I prefer Tina Fey.

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