Lembit Öpik – Asteroid weirdo and inexplicable fanny magnet

Would you trust this man?

This man harbours ambitions to be the leader of the Liberal Democrats, and one day Prime Minister. Is it any wonder no one takes the Liberal Democrats seriously?

He’s mainly known for three things: being convinced that one day VERY SOON an asteroid is going to destroy the earth, his ridicularse expenses claims as an MP at Westminster, and a confounding ability to get good looking women to go out with him.

Leftfield finds membership of the Liberal Democrats weird in and of itself – this is a party that seems to have no ideological grounding, floating between latching themselves on to populist campaigns (such as the odious Katy Gordon, candidate for Glasgow North this upcoming election, sending me countless newsletters through my door urging me that ONLY SHE CAN SAVE OTAGO LANE), and an enshrined tendency to prop up the ruling governments at their worst. They flip flop on life or death issues like war depending on which way public opinion seems to be turning. They claim to be ‘social liberals’ AND ‘market liberals’, a fundamental contradiction which prevents their policy from progressing beyond the populist and ineffectual. They’re laughably shit, and they don’t even have the conviction of the justness of their ideology to take the sting out of that shitness.

Lembit Öpik is possibly the physical embodiment of the political joke that is the Lib Dems. The sad thing is that he genuinely thinks that asking a Cheeky Girl to marry him on a reality show is good stage management of his political career. Future Prime Minister material he ain’t.

What really puts a strain in his groin is the idea that an asteroid hitting the earth is imminent. He’s been giving that same tired shtick for over a decade now. Leftfield isn’t saying that that wouldn’t be like, totally shit, if it happened, and that a space exploration/study program isn’t a worthwhile thing for governments to be investing in. But Lembit seems a bit… obsessed, even in the face of people who actually know what they’re talking about telling him he’s talking baws. He often claimed that the chances that an asteroid identified in 2002 by actual space investigatory people rather than oddball Members of Parliament would devastate the earth were “100%”, and then neatly backtracked and admitted it would actually miss the earth by 600,000 miles. This tendency to sensationalize only serves to make him look like a ranting idiot, and does nothing to help the reputation of those of us out there who are actually interested in the idea of space exploration, and indeed science fiction nerds in general. Lembit Öpik is basically the Daily Mail of space geeks, making grandiose claims about what’s going to kill you that you’re not quite sure whether to laugh at or be scared by.

He’s a bit of a moneygrabbing wanker as well. Not content with the £64,766 salary he receives each year from Westminster, on top of the £5000 he earns from his column in that bastion of political integrity, the Daily Sport, as well as countless thousands he has made from daft public appearances, magazine deals with the Cheeky Girls and TV spots, good old Lemsip Opalfruit felt that he was entitled to claim £111,880 in parliamentary expenses over the last 7 years. With this he paid for his second home which he never used, a plasma TV, and a £40 fine he’d received for not paying his Council Tax. But he offered to pay back the £40, so at least he’s not a TOTAL bastard, eh?

Jennifer Aniston runs from Lembit's advances

Not only is Mr Ö a massive self-centred chump of an MP, he also thinks he’s god’s gift to women. Of his high profile romances, he recently said “There’s been a weathergirl, a Cheeky Girl and a Wonderbra girl, so where do you go next? Then again, I do hear Jennifer Aniston is still available”. Oh, he’s so cool. I wish I were more like him. To all the PURE MILLIONS of Lib Dems out there who are clearly avid readers of our humble blog – this misogynistic, attention grabbing idiot isn’t doing your already silly reputation any favours. And Lembit, the day Jennifer Aniston wants your squinty face anywhere near her we’ll be sure to tell Angelina Jolie she can finally rest easy.

(This article was brought to you by someone who gets really annoyed when she wakes up to 3 Lib Dem newsletters that say precisely FUCK ALL every morning. Quit wasting your paper on me!)